Growing Pains Bringing Joy

My life is so different in some ways these days, and in other ways it is just the same as it was before being pregnant. It is strange waking up some days feeling more normal, less sad, lighter in my soul. Then I might have a moment of 10 minutes driving to work crying tears streaming down my face. But, then I might go a whole day at work, touched by patients, enjoying silly chatter with co-workers, not thinking much about what has happened and just going through day to day life not so consumed with thinking about it.

I went through all the stages of grief at some point, the problem is sometimes you re-visit all of them again. It is more like you are are just a ping pong bouncing back and forth between the various stages. I reached a point recently when I felt like I was feeling more into the "acceptance" phase. Then I woke up one day and I was incredibly angry all over again. It is so crazy to have so many emotions hitting you suddenly at different times unexpectedly.

For a long time, I just got so lost in all of this, and I couldn't see any end in sight. But, in the past couple of weeks, even in the midst of some tough days, I have had some very interesting moments of shear realization of other possible purposes for my life day to day right now, while I wait and wonder if we will possibly ever be parents again in the future.

I gave a speech at a church forum yesterday. It was short, just 5 minutes, but I felt good about it. I stood up and talked about my small group and even a little about our loss. In the morning I was thinking, "What the heck was I thinking signing up to go talk in front of a crowd, much less to talk about my current struggle??" I finished, and I felt good about it, that God had given me the strength to stand up and share a more personal part of my story. My mom made a good point at lunch yesterday. Once you have gone through something so devastating and survived....you can approach life and obstacles with less fearfulness, because you are already in the process of overcoming one of your worst fears ever, losing a child.

This morning was a rough morning again. I am off work, should be a relaxing peaceful day. But, when I am alone, the sadness comes in waves. It is probably good, to just get all the crying out at times, but surprises me how it still comes with such force sometimes. I was thinking, "Crap!" "I was doing so well yesterday, now what do I do?."

Then, on my run, I had this thought, that God longs for me to run to him and let him comfort me. I think since I have such a hard time asking others for help and opening up about my struggles at times, it sometimes transfers into my spiritual life as well. I run around trying to take care of it on my own, instead of allowing myself to be still, and feel his comfort, and ask others to pray for me when I can't get the words or strength to pray for myself.

And those of you that know me as so hard core and think running always comes easy for me, just know that it took me about an hour to talk myself into getting out the door today, then it was a slow 4 miles, that didn't really feel that great. So, just know even this "Ironwoman" has bad days when it comes to exercise and motivation! But, I am glad I got my booty out there, I do feel better now!

Anyway, even though I maybe should have asked 4 months ago. Please continue to pray for me, your words of encouragement help me even now after all these months. Thanks so much for all the outpouring of support we have received. It means more than I could ever express. But, please continue to pray for me and my husband, that God would comfort us, and help me to trust him even in these times of uncertainty.

The Loss of our Sweet Baby Lily

The Last four Months have been a blurr. I keep hearing that journaling will be so "therapeutic." At times I love to write. But, I have been scared to do much of it lately. But, at the same time, my heart yearns to find more healing in my soul and to bring more awareness of late pregnancy loss and its devastating journey to find healing and peace.

April 27, 2010 - My mom's birthday..... Was the day my life was turned upside down, my faith shaken, and my soul saddened.
April 29, 2010 - the Sadness was deepened with the delivery and loss of our sweet baby girl, Lily Rene' Martin.

I was 6 months pregnant, enjoying a very healthy non-eventful pregnancy. When a regular check-up unfortunately found my sweet baby to no longer have a heartbeat. I was in shock to say the least, and I remained in that shock for a long time. Two days later, I was admitted to the hospital, labor induced, and unfortunately faced with delivering my sweet baby girl, stillborn, whom I had so many dreams and hopes for as a mother.

She was fully formed just as a tiny precious baby fully intact fingers, toes, face. But, sadly she would never take a breath here on earth outside from my womb, where she had been so alive, healthy, and active for several months. They think her umbilical cord got kinked and cut off her nutrition. It still doesn't make sense at times, but this is what we are left to deal with.

I won't go into all the details of the delivery for now. But it was the hardest thing I will probably ever have to endure, and of course the hardest thing by far that I have ever been faced with at this point in my life. We held her, we cried, I kissed her tiny little feet. And, my soul began to ache deeper than I ever knew possible that day, and still aches so deeply today.

I am known as a "strong" woman. I have completed an Ironman, I am tough, I don't cry much in public, I like to be happy go lucky, I like to think I handle most things somewhat gracefully. But, this has changed all of that for me.

At first, I thought I could just fight through this, check all the steps of the grieving process off, and leave it behind me. Well, I quickly found that I was not strong enough for this on my own. It was way too BIG, and it has been so scary, coming to this realization.

I am a little "OCD" and "Perfectionistic/Overachieving" at times. So, I read 5 books on grieving the death of your baby. While many parts of all of them were helpful and insightful, I realized that this reading/processing would unfortunately not take away the pain or sadness, it would not make me "better faster." I was going to have to ride these waves of this storm out, and there was no clear way to get back to shore by trying to "swim faster."

I have spent the last several months on the roller coaster of "hell" at times. At other times, I have felt the sweet comforting presence of God, friends, and family surrounding so tightly and so comfortably. I have days of many questions of God, days where I just don't think I can take much more. But, I have made it this far, and I have enough hope to know that God will somehow get me through this wilderness of sadness, despair, and utter confusion.

Some days I have truly felt as though I was going "crazy," losing my mind completely. This wasn't supposed to be. Other days, I feel the presence of God, and the striking clarity of life and what is truly important.

We hit our due date for Lily on August 13, 2010. So, after a period of feeling like I was doing pretty well this summer, we were hit with this sad reminder of our loss, and what might have been. But, we made it through the day, and have continued to experience joys and pain of everyday life since then. We don't have other children, so at times we feel lost, without a clear purpose. We had spent so many months getting excited about becoming new parents and raising Lily here on earth with us, our family, and our friends. The days are confusing at times, but routines re-surface, jobs continue, and we see that we can find some sense of rhythm in this day to day life even with the uncertainty of what our future might bring.

Parts of me feel more peace coming each day, despite the really tough days. I have hope at times of what the future might bring for us, and I feel a quiet peace. It doesn't stay full time in my soul, but it feels so soothing, after all these months of pain. I hope I can hang on to this hope and and faith, or at least wake up each day and ask God to help me find it once again.

And, I want to be truly honest about how I have gone about achieving this peace. Not in my old Kristina way, of "being tough, digging my heels in, working harder, doing it on my own. " No, I have been on my knees, helpless and only raised from my weakness by letting my friends help me, letting my family love me, growing more deeply in my marriage with Ted, and pleading desparately with God. I have also attended many hours of professional counseling as well as a support group. I want to admit, that though I am known for always wearing a "smile," and being pretty "strong"....I am not as strong as people might think, and I am truly grateful for all the people that have walked this journey with me.

My favorite verses growing up have been coming back to me, and I have been wrestling with one passage in particular. It used to make me think of running, suffering in marathons, completing Ironmans, building character in every day life. But, now facing something so Big, it is a little more difficult to grasp it so whole heartedly. This experience is way Bigger than either of my Ironman, way Bigger than most things I could have imagined. But, if I let the words seep into my soul, I can hold onto their truth and promise.

Phil 3:10-14
"I want to know Christ and the Power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the Resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."