So We Wait...

November has been a hard month, but once again we have survived tough times.  I was 9 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately just recently lost the baby.  Friday, November 19, just the week before Turkey day, we found out there was no heart beat after having a sonogram with a good strong heartbeat just the Monday before.   I went in that Friday evening and had a D&C, so they could do some testing on the tissue.   It is all a bit shocking, but not near as devastating as losing Lily at 24 weeks.  The combination of the two losses is of course devastating, and a huge blow to my confidence in the idea of actually having a healthy child one day.  Statistically speaking the odds of having an early miscarriage are pretty high, at least 25%.  I was just hoping to escape the odds in light of everything else we had gone through this year, but realistically, this is not really how things work with statistics.  We will go through some other testing, to see if there is anything else going on with me and my body, before trying this all for the third time.  Yes, most will say, surely this wouldn't happen again, but with our track record, I am losing faith a bit, and getting a little more leery. So, we wait for a new plan.

I have a good life, I have a great husband, a wonderful family, and many amazing friends.  I have been blessed to do some wonderful things in my life so far.  I have traveled a good bit, pushed my body to the limits, learned some valuable lessons, and overall I have experienced alot of fun along the way.  All of this time,  I have felt being a bit of  a driven person, that I was somewhat in control.  Well, I am learning more and more, that this simply isn't the case.  Sometimes, the things we want most, are the things we have the least control over.  So, we wait, we keep our faith, we try to keep our priorities in check, and we try to learn the beauty of truly living life one day at a time, not worrying or stressing about tomorrow.  Having faith to know that we will be able to handle whatever tomorrow will bring.  And, holding on to hope that we may very well get the very desires of our heart, maybe not in our timetable or how we planned, but there is still hope for our future.  So we wait.

Remembering Lily

This Sunday is All Saints Sunday, and I was so excited to receive a letter in the mail from our church the other day that they would be honoring our sweet Lily.  This is what the letter said:

"Each year on All Saints Sunday, we remember the Saints of King of Glory who have died this past year and who now rest with our Lord.  During the worship services on Sunday, November 7, 2010, as we gratefully remember little Lily Rene', a white rose will be placed in a vase in her memory.

I will be keeping you in my prayers, and pray that in the midst of your sorrow, you will be able to picture your daughter with our Lord, in whose name we were promised new life with Him."

So, I have decided to add a couple prayers from my brother and a letter I previously wrote, to honor her this week of All Saints Sunday.  We are so thankful and feel so blessed to have a wonderful loving church community that is remembering her and honoring her without us even having to ask. 

Here are two prayers my brother gave me (I am just now really at a point where I can pray them more whole heartedly, and truly find peace in their messages):

Prayer for Commendation

Lily, Child of God, we entrust you to the arms of God's Mercy.

Almight God, who formed us all out of the dust of the earth, receive you in peace.

Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care.

God, the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bear you to life in god's new creation.

May you dwell forever in the paradise of God.

Amen

Prayer for Hope and God's Love

Heavenly Father, your love for all children is strong and enduring.  We were not able to know Lily as we hoped.  Yet, you knew her growing in Kristina's womb, and she is not lost to you.  In the midst of our sadness, we thank you that Lily is with you now, and with you forever.



And, here is a letter I wrote to her in the midst of my grieving, that was helpful in trying to put words to the immense love and lost hopes and dreams that we have for her as her parents:

Baby Lily Rene’,

I am so sad to have lost you my sweet baby girl.  I hope you know how much Ted & I love you and will always love you.  I felt a close bond with you in my womb, and so enjoyed your presence with me for those 6 months we had together.  I treasured the pictures I saw of you, and the last one at 20 weeks where you were so active and moving and kicking around in my tummy will forever be in my mind.  I am so sad you had to leave us so soon.  I am sorry you did not get to grow up here on earth with us. 

I am sorry that I only got to hold you just one time one day here on earth with me.  I wish I could have heard you cry, coo, babble, and eventually learn to talk.  You were precious with your tiny feet and tiny hands, your cute ears, and your long legs.   I would have loved cuddling with you and hugging and kissing you every day as a little baby here with me.  I wish I could have watched you grow and learn here in this world with me.  I miss that we didn’t get to read stories together and have prayers together.

I wanted to learn all the joys and struggles of being a first time mommy with you.  I wanted to feed you and change you, and learn how to best meet your needs.  I am sad without you here with me.

 I am sorry you didn’t get to meet all of the little babies that are being born to our friends  Jake , Levi, and Luke, and a few others already here and on the way.  You guys were all supposed to grow up together in our church family.  Their parents loved you dearly and will miss you as well. 

You will always be our first born child and we will never forget you.  You have two grandmothers and a grandfather who held you and love you very much.  We wish we could have had more time with you as a family.

I will always wonder what you would have looked like growing up, how your personality would have developed and all the adventures you would have experienced with us.  I wish we could have done so many things as a family.  I would have run you many miles in a jogging stroller, we would have loved to have taken you camping and on many adventures in the outdoors. 

I hope you will always know how much we love you and how much we miss you.  I hope that God is holding you tight and comforting you in heaven.  I hope you are safe and living in eternity.  I hope for the day when we will get to meet again.

Love,

Your Mommy

May we all take moments in our busy lives to remember those loved ones lost to us here on earth.  May God help comfort our deep sorrows, and may we trust that they are with our Lord entrusted to his care.