Every Ending Leads to a New Beginning

"No Matter What Happens, Keep on Beginning and Failing, Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you find that you have accomplished a purpose-not the one you began with perhaps, but one you will be glad to remember."  Ann Sullivan

Sometimes I wait so long to write something or try anything new.  I am always waiting thinking it needs to be profound, but sometimes I let this over thinking part of myself stop me from moving forward.  And in the same sense, I am sometimes waiting to start new things, because I am afraid of failure.

 I like the above quote, I relate to it in terms of my personality, which never likes failure, tries to hard to avoid it.  Even though most of our greatest growths and character traits often bloom from our biggest heart aches or failures.  It also resonates with the events in my life in the past year, and reminds me of a chance for a "New Beginning" despite the heartache that we endured.

I have been meaning to write since April 29, 2011.  The one year anniversary of  Lily's birth, whom I delivered stillborn after finding out that her heart had stopped beating at my 24 week appointment.  The day brought alot of mixed emotions.  It was really hard leading up to the day, moments of reliving all that had happened that day, delivering her, holding her, and then thinking about many other challenges that came throughout the rest of the year.  But, when the day arrived, there was a sense of peace that came over me at the same time.  We had arrived, we had survived a really hard year, and I had this special day to try and remember her, but also realize that even though I miss her so dearly, I am stronger and in many ways a better person as I reflect back on the past year of my life.  I have arrived at this place after many "failures" in some ways, but I do have a deeper sense of purpose in my life and a faith that has grown stronger.  I have several "Lily" resolutions and with her spirit, all that we journeyed through, and the pain I endured, I have moments where I see the benefits of these "Lily" resolutions and I hope to keep them close to my heart and continue to live them out for the rest of my life as best as I can. 

The picture I posted is a Lily plant I gave my mother for Mother's day last year just a week or two after we lost Lily.  It was just a single plant when she got it.  She emailed this picture to me around Mother's Day this year, and it was so amazing to see how with a little tender loving care from my mom and her knack for flowers, it has grown and blossomed so beautiful, more than I would have ever imagined it when she first received it last year.  I love the beauty of Lily flowers, and I will always treasure them as memories of our sweet daughter.

 May the beauty and growth of the multitude of flowers in just one year, remind us all that Every Ending Truly does lead to a "New Beginning"  if we can have the strength, patience, and faith to endure the hard times and failures along the way.

Bittersweet Springtime - Finding Our Path

Psalm 23:1-5 The Lord is my shepherd.  I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of rightesouness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Sometimes, my life races at record speeds.  I have trouble slowing down at times to catch my breath and keep things organized.  I just run in thousands of directions forgetting where I really intended to end up when I started in each different direction, feeling a little lost looking for the right path at times.

Today, I am finally slowing down, and getting back on the trail.  I have been wanting to write many times in the past couple of months, but I haven't taken the time to sit down and get my thoughts out.  Sometimes I do this when I get too busy, over committed.  I have noticed I also do this when I struggle.  Sometimes I disappear from the world a bit when feeling sad or confused, when really these are the times when I need my friends, my family, and the rest of the world the most.

The New Year started out pretty great for us!  I was running lots of miles, completed a half marathon in February, and had a great trip with Ted & friends in Austin.  We completed another year of marriage, 8 years to be exact! We have also had many other great times with friends and family.  But, as spring has come, I have struggled more than I had expected.  Spring is typically my favorite time of year.  I love running in the spring time, seeing the leaves bursting in green up in the trees, watching as all the flowers bloom and paint a beautiful pastel of landscape and color, and feeling the crisp cool breeze.  I also really love when the days grow longer.  I am a sunshine girl who tries to keep a sunshine kind of smile, so I just really like the spring and the coming of more sunshine. 

This year, the springtime has been great for me in many ways.  I am feeling more in "great" shape again and really love getting out and running as much as possible these days (and thanks to a couple friends, I am running more than ever logging all kinds of miles.   I am just as crazy as ever, at 55 miles for the week, but still way behind my crazy friend Andrea :)


At the same time, I didn't anticipate the sad feelings and difficult emotions that would overwhelm me at times with the coming of this spring.  I guess as we approach the first anniversary and birth/loss of Lily, the grief is definitely coming back to the surface a bit.  I can't believe it has already been almost an entire year since we lost Lily and delivered her on April 29th, 2010. 


I have had some really tough days again.  Days where I analyze the whole last year, and at times just feel so sad, that we lost Lily, and still don't know for sure when the day will come that we might have a baby here on earth with us.  I also find that I get disappointed realizing I had these set expectations of things that would surely happen by the time a whole year had passed, and a bit of disappointment realizing that some are far from where I thought they might be.  Other times, I see my patients or what others around me are facing, and I am at peace, I know that I have alot to be thankful for, even without a child of my own to raise on earth.  I often just feel a bit of confusion, trying to ask God, what it is he really wants for us, what our plan is, feeling a bit lost out on the Path, trying to see where he is leading me, looking for a light up ahead, or for a bright shining "headlamp" to drop from above to lead me on my way!


Last Friday, we had a beautiful Dedication Service for Lily at Presbyterian Hospital, and it was so helpful for me.  We are so blessed that there is a now a plaque in the Margot Perot building honoring her, a bassinet in her memory for other families to use, as well as a brick that has been placed in front of our church in her memory.  I think in terms of tangible memories, we are very blessed to have all of these reminders of our baby.  I hope that other families may be comforted when they are faced with similar tragic situations, knowing others have survived the journey, and that our babies are not forgotten, that they are not alone. 

I am sometimes a worrier about figuring out the right way to do this or that, and it has been good for me to try to let this go throughout this process.  Stillbirth is not common enough for there to be a set of proper "etiquette" or standards.  You really have to make your own path, and find your own way of deciding how to remember your baby and how to live out your own individual grief.  For the longest time this was so hard for me.  I wanted someone to tell me the "right" way to do things and the "proper" way to "most efficiently" grieve.  As an athlete, I wanted to conquer it, and get to the finish as soon as possible some days. But, I have found, that this grief is much more complicated and confusing than the process of running straight even for 26 miles or clocking 140 miles in an Ironman, reaching the finish, getting your medal, and basking in the glory of completion in the journey to your ultimate goal.   

Unfortunately this simply was not possible with grief over Lily.  And, over time I have tried to let these worries go. Grief is not a steady mountain to climb, it is not a set cycle to determine or predict.  It is always changing as you go, and some days you just have to allow it to be what it is.  Whether you find yourself deep in a valley with seemingly no way to climb to the top one day, or the very next day filled with complete peace and serenity, as if sitting still overlooking the glorious ocean understanding more deeply the meaning and preciousness of life. 

In the past few weeks, I have really struggled at times.  Last night I had this mix of emotions overwhelm me, but also a burst of pure joy.  I had just returned from a late evening jog and chat with a friend, and in the dark, I noticed a slight bit of red popping out of our rose bush on the side of the house.  I was so excited, I couldn't believe my eyes!!  Our good friends gave us this rosebush, and we planted it right after we lost Lily.  I first had a thought of relief thinking, "Oh wow, it is coming back into bloom, I didn't kill it in the past year!!"  I also noticed, that not only did the rosebush bloom a beautiful flower, but that I had almost missed the flower entirely, as it is already starting to wilt a bit.  It was still so beautiful to me, knowing today we would begin April possibly reliving some of the pain that we endured last April. 

 Most of all, I was so incredibly filled with joy that we already had a beautiful flower in her honor and that many more will likely come to follow to brighten my way through spring.  I did feel disappointed in myself a little.  I have been pretty busy with work, teaching a class, running around doing a million things, that I almost missed the bright life of this sweet flower.  How could I let life escape me so much, to have almost missed such a blessing??  We really must take time to truly "stop and smell the roses,"  because we never know when they might be gone or wilted away.  So, even though I am sad to admit that I missed the first few days of beautiful glory for this sweet rose, it truly brings joy to my heart that I have the blessing of its life and color in memory of Little Lily to soothe my soul.  I pray for many more to come and bloom to brighten the days as we move along this journey through April.

May we remember our sweet baby girl, and trust God to comfort our sorrows and bring joy and glimmers of his true light to guide us on the winding path that lies ahead. 



A Month to Remember!!

A CRAZY SNOW/ICE Week, but a Great Day of Sledding!!

 8 YEARS OF MARRIAGE as of Feb. 1st!!  So, thankful for my dear hubby Ted!  This will be an anniversary to remember, it continued for a whole week due to the snow/ice... all restaurants closed lead to a romantic night out to Pizza Hut, Flowers delivered 2 days later than Ted intended, another night out to make up for Pizza Hut!  It was the never ending anniversary!  But, I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and a good sense of humor in all the adventures that we have had together in the last 8 years, looking forward to many more to come!!

A New HAIRCUT!  I got a new do for the new year, and I have enjoyed spending some time with some good friends, and hugging on their adorable children! This is my buddy Luke!

 HALF MARATHON COMPLETE!!! And, a Great weekend in Austin!!! 





Saturday Saga

This is just a funny story for your reading pleasure.  I was telling my good buddy Andrea a few weeks ago, that I wanted to lighten up my blog a bit in the New Year, at least occasionally.  It has been therapeutic to write about my struggles after losing Lily, but sometimes I go back and read it, and it has some pretty heavy stuff.  I am generally pretty happy go lucky, running around like a chicken, and doing a lot of really random silly stuff in the process.  The reality of tragedy changed that for a while.  But, I love those days when chaos, fun, or just plain normal craziness surface in my day to day adventures helping me feel a little more like we have overcome some of the hardest days of our tragedy.  I will always remember Lily, and the loss, and it has truly changed me.  But, it has also helped me try to lighten up day to day and just go with the flow a little, knowing that we just don't know what might happen tomorrow, and we might as well do our best to appreciate all of today, no matter what the day brings.


So, I have been meaning to post a silly story from last Saturday.   I will try not to make it too long, but here goes.

Sat. 10:15 AM - we arrived at our friend's house for a little retreat gathering with friends from our church.  I had a few food items, and bags to carry in, was chatting with Ted in the process. So grabbed everything from the car, and headed inside.
10:20 - we are getting settled inside.  I have a thought "I can't find my cell phone"  I look, and it is not in my purse, I think "It is probably out in the car, or maybe even on top of the car, maybe I should go check..."
10:21... or less than 30 seconds later, I get distracted by something, start blabbering, and forget all about it..
A FEW HOURS LATER - still there, having  a grand discussion, then eating lunch with friends, I have a tiny thought "Oh yeah, still don't know where my phone is...hope it is in the car"
2:15 PM - Ted & I go out to leave, I am chatting about "What a beautiful day it is, and how we should go do something outdoors and enjoy it.."  We both just climb in the car, and I take off driving.
2:20 PM - I hear a "thunk" as I am entering the on ramp to the George Bush Turnpike, rambling a replay of our time with friends as Ted listens patiently.  So, I look in the rear view mirror and say "What was that?" "Did I run over something?"  Ted says, "I don't know?"  I see a small black object bounce back in the distance, it looks small, cars behind me, so I just keep driving, all seems ok I think...
2:35 PM - we are 10 miles away back near our house at LBJ & Skillman, and I say "where is my phone?"  "I forgot, I never found my phone....then "Oh  S#** (please God forgive my foul language in this moment)  that was my phone on the car, and it flew off..."  Ted then says he guesses we should go back to retrieve it, because even if it is destroyed, in order to get a new one... it might help to have the destructed one to explain..
2:50 PM - we arrive all the way back in North East Richardson, and pull slowly onto the ramp, we start arguing about how I need to slow down and how I don't think it is safe to stop here, and Ted then yells "STOP" just as I almost smash right over the thing...  He jumps out quickly retrieves the blasted phone (My New Android, not cheap, just given to me by my sweet mother about 6 months ago, My first "SMART" Phone :)  It was still INTACT!!! But, the screen was more than SHATTERED!  He jumped in and we headed home again, for the 2nd time! Ted laughs and says,"I guess you will be heading to the Verizon store."

Then, 2 Verizon stores later and about 20 more miles of driving, I was able to replace my "SMART" phone, with a new version and a little cheaper, "SMART" phone.  I had all this internal stress in the process, thinking maybe I did not deserve another "SMART" phone.   How stupid I felt, how we are trying to save money, starting a "financial peace" class, and now I have gone off and left my expensive phone on top of my car and unfortunately found that it cannot sustain life after a crash traveling at 50 + MPH and bouncing on the asphalt.  I would love to say that ANDROID was paying me money to do destructive crash testing, but unfortunately, it was just another Saga of a day to add to my long list of "Unfortunate Happenings."  And, my sweet husband, recalled at least 3-4 other recent "Kristina Classics" as we drove along to refresh my memory, and help me feel even better about myself :) ...

I will say, that my friend Emily had given an example earlier on this same day, of how sometimes God provides a need in our times of crisis, maybe even in the "exact" $$ money amount we desperately need sometimes, and it causes a major "WOW" moment in our lives.  Well, after some negotiating at the Verizon store, they were able to find me a way to change our contract, buy a new phone for $108 and get a rebate for $100.  So, although I lost the rest of my "beautiful" day dealing with this Saga, I ended up down a total of only $8 at the end of the day, It was definitely a "WOW" moment for me.  God did provided, and with some personal commitment to our new goal to "save" money... he rescued me, even in my moment of stupidity and irresponsibility!  Yes, I know God will not always rescue us in times of trial, I have that testament from all of last year.  But, when we pay attention to even these $100 moments, it is so amazing how  he works at times!  So, thank you God, for saving me in my moment of Irresponsibility!  We now have a new rule in the Martin House, Kristina is not allowed to place any items cheap or expensive on top of her car, at anytime!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything."   James 1:2-4

Have a Wonderful Weekend,

A New Year - Bring it on for the Martins!

2011 - Here we Go,  A New Journey Lies Ahead!

‎"... But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

I actually really love the start of a New Year! And, to be honest, I am less than sad to see 2010 go, and that chapter of our lives behind us.  It was a tough year to say the least.  But, we survived, and look forward to a brighter future ahead.  2011 doesn't have to be filled with spectacular events, I just want things to be a little smoother and less painful than 2010!  So, I look forward to a fresh start as we turn the pages of the calendar ahead and start a New Year.

I am not crazy about setting 100 resolutions or anything like that, because I am often disappointed by week two when I have broken them.  But, I have had some things on my heart recently that have been interesting.  I shared them with a friend recently as we made my "list" for 2011, and even put it in paper.  It is much different from many of my past lists, but is is intriguing me a bit to see where God will take me this next year.  I almost feel God asking me to be "open" willing to "listen" to his voice and follow his direction.  So, I will share this list with you, knowing that God may change his will, or my direction, but these are some things on my heart for now that I am looking forward to in the next year possibly trying...

1.  Go on a "Mission Trip" - Have just spoken to my dear friend Autumn, and she could easily help me get to Haiti, Honduras, possibly Ecuador, or Africa
2.  Go on a "Spiritual Retreat," possibly a "quiet" retreat.  I generally talk ALOT, so for me to go on a "quiet" retreat would definitely take some divine intervention to get me through!  But, I am hoping that it will help calm my anxious heart and mind, and quiet some of the "noise" I feel right now.  I think getting away and "slowing" down "being still" and yes, even "quiet" might be very good for me!  I have a place I am looking into that my friend Andrea told me about, so looking forward to making this happen.
3.  "More Financial Peace." Ted & I have been very blessed financially, but we a few areas that we would like to take care of, and knowing that we were already planning, and still hope to have a family one day.  We have the goal to be better stewards of our resources in the year to come.  Holly is recruiting us for the Dave Ramsey series, so we are seriously considering and likely going to start the series with them in a couple of weeks, which I think will be good for us.
4.  "Volunteer" with a Boys and Girl's club.  I have always loved hanging out with children of all ages, and I used to be a basketball and soccer player for most of my life.  I have many great memories of playing these sports with various groups of children and it being such a blessing for me.  I attended a basketball game on Christmas day, and the players were honoring many children for the boys and girl's club.  When I saw all the kids come out, I started to really "cry"  which is funny, since at other times, I have so much difficulty expressing true emotion.  But, others like my husband, know that I am really a true "sap" on the inside.  Anyway, when I had that feeling come over me, I knew I needed to remember that moment, and try to really make an effort to volunteer some time with some children in need in the upcoming year!
5.  "Organize and Dump"  I have this internal stress about the "junk" that we accumulate at times.  And, I don't like the feeling of our house feeling "disorderly" when our lives get really busy.  Other times I am literally disgusted by the American habit of "accumulating" gadgets, electronics, books, clothes, etc.. when there are others around the globe who have so little.  Anyway, this is probably a life long goal for me, that will never be quite "completed" in my mind.  But, in taking after the book "The Happiness Project."  I actually think spending the rest of January on this goal, will be beneficial.  There is a freeing aspect of getting rid of unnecessary "clutter" and feeling a little more "organized" at times.  So, I think I will start with this goal first.
6. "Hope" for a Family still to come.  I don't know for sure what God's plans are.  But, I hope that having a family is still in the cards for us.  So far, we have ruled out most complications that would really relate the two losses with some testing we have completed.  So, there is still great hope for us to have our own children.  It may be that the Stillbirth and loss of Lily was indeed caused by the cord problem, and the second miscarriage, was just an early miscarriage that anyone could have had.  The two losses were more than difficult to overcome.  But, we try to maintain our hope in the upcoming year, that even if the year doesn't bring a child before 2012 rings in, that we will see more clearly his purposes and be on the road hopefully closer to becoming parents again.
7.  "Run"  a Half Marathon.  So, I did run a Marathon in 2010, despite the tough year that it was, I was glad to do it for myself and to honor Lily.  However, I did say out loud to my husband, next time if I have some "emotional stress/trauma"  I think I will just try for a "Half Marathon" race.  So, for 2011, following up on the recent miscarriage and 2nd loss in November.  I have decided to do a "Half Marathon."  So, thankful for my running friends who have me well on my way to this goal, as Andrea and I already did a "half marathon" 13.1 mile training run last weekend.  As always, running is therapy, it is stress relief, it is me, and what I love.  So thankful that I have running in my life.  So, next step, signing up for a Half Marathon race for February!

So, I will start the year with these aspirations on my mind, trusting that God will lead me on his path to fulfilling these, or help me to see more clearly what his plans are instead for me as the days unfold.  I feel a bit of a sense of excitement as I used to feel in my younger years of the endless possibilities that may lie ahead, hopefully it will overcome the fear that often overtakes me of worry about what bad things might happen instead.  I must know that even in the painful times that may lie ahead, we are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful friends, a wonderful church family, and great communities/friends in our jobs.  Sometimes, when you go through tough times you are blinded in amazement with what you really have to be thankful for, that we often don't see in the business of daily life, providing comfort and light ahead in every direction.  But, on the days that I can see this more clearly, it is truly more than AMAZING!

May I take quiet times, to continue to be still, listen for God's voice, and be patient in periods of "waiting"  as I look forward to the continued coming and unfolding of this New Year.  Bring it on for the Martins!  We are glad you are here! Now let's really get Running and see where God will lead us on this journey! 

Happy New Year,