Growing Pains Bringing Joy

My life is so different in some ways these days, and in other ways it is just the same as it was before being pregnant. It is strange waking up some days feeling more normal, less sad, lighter in my soul. Then I might have a moment of 10 minutes driving to work crying tears streaming down my face. But, then I might go a whole day at work, touched by patients, enjoying silly chatter with co-workers, not thinking much about what has happened and just going through day to day life not so consumed with thinking about it.

I went through all the stages of grief at some point, the problem is sometimes you re-visit all of them again. It is more like you are are just a ping pong bouncing back and forth between the various stages. I reached a point recently when I felt like I was feeling more into the "acceptance" phase. Then I woke up one day and I was incredibly angry all over again. It is so crazy to have so many emotions hitting you suddenly at different times unexpectedly.

For a long time, I just got so lost in all of this, and I couldn't see any end in sight. But, in the past couple of weeks, even in the midst of some tough days, I have had some very interesting moments of shear realization of other possible purposes for my life day to day right now, while I wait and wonder if we will possibly ever be parents again in the future.

I gave a speech at a church forum yesterday. It was short, just 5 minutes, but I felt good about it. I stood up and talked about my small group and even a little about our loss. In the morning I was thinking, "What the heck was I thinking signing up to go talk in front of a crowd, much less to talk about my current struggle??" I finished, and I felt good about it, that God had given me the strength to stand up and share a more personal part of my story. My mom made a good point at lunch yesterday. Once you have gone through something so devastating and survived....you can approach life and obstacles with less fearfulness, because you are already in the process of overcoming one of your worst fears ever, losing a child.

This morning was a rough morning again. I am off work, should be a relaxing peaceful day. But, when I am alone, the sadness comes in waves. It is probably good, to just get all the crying out at times, but surprises me how it still comes with such force sometimes. I was thinking, "Crap!" "I was doing so well yesterday, now what do I do?."

Then, on my run, I had this thought, that God longs for me to run to him and let him comfort me. I think since I have such a hard time asking others for help and opening up about my struggles at times, it sometimes transfers into my spiritual life as well. I run around trying to take care of it on my own, instead of allowing myself to be still, and feel his comfort, and ask others to pray for me when I can't get the words or strength to pray for myself.

And those of you that know me as so hard core and think running always comes easy for me, just know that it took me about an hour to talk myself into getting out the door today, then it was a slow 4 miles, that didn't really feel that great. So, just know even this "Ironwoman" has bad days when it comes to exercise and motivation! But, I am glad I got my booty out there, I do feel better now!

Anyway, even though I maybe should have asked 4 months ago. Please continue to pray for me, your words of encouragement help me even now after all these months. Thanks so much for all the outpouring of support we have received. It means more than I could ever express. But, please continue to pray for me and my husband, that God would comfort us, and help me to trust him even in these times of uncertainty.