Stopping to Catch my Breath

This is a beautiful letter I read in a devotion this morning, it was uplifting for me, so I hope it can bring comfort and encouragement to others:

"Beloved,
Celebrate all that you are, all that you are becoming! The radiant beauty of your smile is a reflection of the light that is glowing within you.  Let your light shine for all to see and know that you are a source of both comfort and joy for others.  Your life is a manificent journey---a spiritual journey in which you will discover what you are capable of achieving.  Always be the best you can be, do the best you are capable of doing.  When you do, you truly will be celebrating life.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you all the way.  Let My love be a healing balm that gently soothes you.  Rest assured that with every step you take, you are walking a path that will lead you to great and greater accomplishments."

"The Darknes is passing away and the true light is already shining" -1John 2:8

Well, I can't quite figure out what happened to October, but wow it is leaving me behind and November and the Holidays are facing me full speed ahead, and nothing can slow them down.  I am a person that often finds myself running around in circles, sprinting, and dashing all over the place trying to keep up with my busy life.  It is funny right now when it returns to that hectic place, because when I stop and think about it, I really don't have too much to complain about or be stressed about.  I am just  a "go" "go" "go" girl, and I am constantly having to tell myself to stop, take a rest, and catch my breath for awhile.

Well, today is finally a great day of rest for me.  I am sitting here on my back patio typing and enjoying a beautiful morning off work from the hospital.  I apologize for this long gap in posting after sending a message to everyone that I was off to Portland to do a marathon, and then just providing silence for these past 3 weeks.  I honestly don't know how those 3 weeks escaped me so quickly.

Anyway, we made it to Portland.  It was a great vacation!  The marathon was a great experience, I did finish!  But, I will be honest, it was a tough one for me.  But, it was number 13, so maybe I can use the excuse, that it was just "unlucky" # 13 for me.  Others might be thinking, what the heck are you thinking doing 13 marathons anyway?? 

Well, it started out well.  I was a little emotional in the beginning.  Part of me was excited, I was able to think about what all had happened in the past several months.  I felt a bit of a sense of joy and peace that I had made it through the tough days and months, continued on in the journey, and arrived there at the starting line of a marathon.  Even in light of the pain and struggle we went through, I also recognize, that I am truly blessed with my health, a great family, and a supportive husband, who walked me in the cold rain that morning to get me to the start line that day.

 I cried a little as the race started, the beginning is a bit exhilarating no matter how many I do.  But, I also felt this surge of mixed emotions sad and happy, thinking about our baby Lily, and wanting to honor her.  Then, to be honest there was a little part of me that was thinking, "Holy cow I have decided to run another whole marathon....here goes, we have a long way to go today!"  And a little bit of "Why did I decide to do yet another one of these crazy things??" 

Anyway, I won't go into all the details, but I ran pretty steady not real fast for me, but not too slow for the first half.  Then, by mile 13 and 14, I was feeling pretty crappy.  My legs were cramping, I was pretty cold, and my body was just feeling a little "off."  So, I just had one of those days when things didn't go as planned, and the new plan became, "just make it to the next mile", "just make to the next water stop", "you can make to 17", "trot your way to 20", "now just keep waddling to 23", and "just grin and bear it/quit being such baby, gut out these last 3 miles", and lastly "finish this Darn thing"!  SO, with each of these mini goals, one at a time, I gutted it out, and waddled on through the finish.  I will be honest, even after completing 12 other marathons, and two Ironman, I did have a couple moments when I wanted to "quit"  wondered if I should visit the "medical tent" (maybe as an excuse :)  But, when I was able to get inside my own head and try to realize some of the things that were most frustrating, such as feeling so slow, I remembered that speed was not why I showed up that day, and some obsessions related to my previous hard core racing days, were not important that day either.  Once I reminded myself of these things, and got over my pride a bit, I realized I just needed to keep going, not for anyone else, but for myself. 

So, I finally made it to the finish, yes a little disappointed in having a pretty "poor" race in my book.  But, I was proud of myself for finishing, and for trying to keep hold of my own personal purposes and reasons for being there.  With those in clear focus, I knew a finish that day was a truly amazing accomplishment for me, and I allowed myself to carry the big grin that I love to wear, and feel truly proud that I had even made it to the start, and then battled it out to the finish! 

The journey we walked and seemingly crawled at times over the summer and fall after losing our baby, was very similar in alot of ways to the race that day. We were tired, weary, frustrated, and just wanted to quit at times.  But, we got through the days one day at a time, and finally just as many promised, the days finally started getting much easier.  About the time of the marathon earlier this month, is also the time in my life when I was feeling we had truly come more close to being "finished" with the toughest parts of our journey. I feel truly greatful for God, many great people, and some hard core determination keeping us moving forward to brighter days ahead.

Some days you just have to gut it out, allow yourself to struggle, feel a little slower than normal, and be proud more of the journey and growth that come along the way.  After these periods of struggle, it is so nice to feel the joy of victory, wear your personal medal of honor proudly, and then take some time to just rest and allow yourself to catch your breath!

God Bless,

Running on Faith, Friends, Good Coffee, and heading to Portland!

Well, after a somewhat low point in my journey a couple of weeks ago, I am happy to report, some better spirits, and some fun events for me on the horizon.  When I lost Lily in the late spring, I felt lost, and frustrated at being out of shape from the pregnancy, especially since I didn't have a baby at home, to make it all seem more worthwhile.

 So, I needed a goal, something to keep me busy, and something to help me get back in shape!  So, just like any other normal human being would do, I simply signed up for a marathon :)  If you don't know my history, see post from 2 years ago, "Morning Marathon Confessions."  Anyway, I have a history, maybe even slight "addiction" for signing up for crazy events.   In some ways, I knew it would be a good thing to help keep me occupied for the summer and fall.  I also decided in the back of my mind, it could in a sense, be something I could do in honor of Lily, before consuming myself and focus with thoughts of having other children.  I remember sending an email to my old triathlon coach and one of my best training buddies back in May, announcing that my "next phase" of "therapy" was now beginning, "My Running."  The doctor had cleared me to run two weeks after I delivered, so I quickly signed up for a Marathon, and rushed out to buy a new pair of running shoes!

So, the training began for the Portland Marathon  to take place 10/10/10....The training started out pretty well in June and July.  I had some good therapeutic chats and long runs with my friend Andrea, getting up to 18 miles pretty quickly by July.  When August rolled around, I was still on track, hitting a 20 miler around the second week of August.

Then, the rest of August,  I struggled a bit with my training.  I was honestly sick of the scorching heat and humidity in Dallas, and honestly a little depressed as our due date hit in  mid-August.  The combination of the two, found me sleeping in a bit more, and cutting my runs a little short.  Before I knew it, September was rolling around, and I was not sure what I was going to do about this race.  I felt torn, part of me really wanted to complete the race, but part of me just wanted to forget about it.  I had this other struggle with trying not to get too obsessed with this race, and trying to have a little fun (since I had spent two years of my life racing and obsessing about my racing performances for the Ironman, etc.). Well, that little fun this summer, became more and more fun, as I would drop everything and take off to the lake with various friends, skipping my long runs a few weekends, but having a grand time at the lake :) And, overall, I really enjoyed trying not to make the marathon my main focus.  But, it was a struggle keeping it balanced devoting enough energy to the training, but keeping priorities and focus on other more important things as well at the time.

Well, long story short, I got back to my more consistent training mid-September as the weather was cooler, and as I started my "New Season" personally.  I gave myself an ultimatum, that I needed to get another 20 miler in ASAP, or this marathon was going to be pretty miserable, due to my lack of recent long runs.  So, on a rainy Saturday just 2 weeks ago, with my faithful friend Andrea, I headed out in the pouring rain and started our morning journey to get this long run done!  It turned out to be one of the first really cool days in Dallas, and the rain never really got too bad, just a steady constant rain.  It actually was so refreshing just running along with one of my best friends, sharing various stories of our life journeys, and splashing through the puddles along the way! Completing this 20 miler, I knew I would have to complete this marathon after all, and felt a relief to have completed at least one more solid long run. 

I say all of this just to be honest, that no matter how many races you have done as an athlete, recreational runner, or even completed an Ironman in my case, training can be a challenge for various reasons at different points along the way.  Life is complicated at times, sometimes we get a bit off track, and sometimes we just want to stop and give up when things get tough.  But, with a little faith, some good friends, and good old fashioned determination, we can overcome hardships, and meet our goals, despite difficult obstacles along the way.

I have been thinking a great deal about the last few weeks, and how I truly feel my spirits lifting overall, even in the midst of some really tough days. I keep feeling so thankful for some of the wonderful people I have in my life, that have so helped me through this journey of losing Lily.   I am also daily amazed at the wonderful encouragement that can come from unexpected people, situations, and even strangers.  I have to admit, even some of the comments I have received from long lost friends, various people who know me here in Dallas, and others who know my story or have read this blog, have meant so much to me.   These kind and comforting words have been so precious to me, and have come in such surprisingly and wonderful ways at times.

I still get sad at times, I still think of Lily often.  But, as I continue along the path and try to hold on to my faith and hope in God.  I  know that I will be able to keep running with my head up in this journey.  I feel my burdens a little lighter these days.  I am loving the crisp coolness in the Fall air right now, it is so refreshing to for my running and for my soul!  As the weather cools, I also more so enjoy the refreshing smell and taste of my morning coffee, to get me going each day.  I have felt such joy some mornings lately, knowing that I truly feel lighter and happier in my soul, feeling a slight sense of peace that has been missing for quite some time now, slowly returning in my everyday life.

So, I thank God for helping me keep my faith, for some truly amazing friends old and new, for some good doses of coffee and motivation, to keep me energized and feeling refreshed!  So, we will head to Portland on Thursday, and I am excited to know that I will be running the Marathon on Sunday 10/10/10.

 The picture above is of Multnomah falls, one of the "must-see" sights of pure beauty near Portland.  I am hoping to take a short hike there maybe Monday after the race :) I can't wait to enjoy some other wonders of nature and some good fun and adventure with Ted.  I think it will be so great for us to get away and just enjoy a relaxing vacation. And, in case you feel sorry for Ted traveling all the way to Portland, for yet another race of mine...Just know, that he has booked us on an Full day Fishing charter from Seattle, for the following Wednesday.  So, we are all about keeping things "fair" in our marriage for this trip.

So, I look forward to experiencing not "just another marathon" on Sunday, but a instead a special day to remember.  Hopefully, a day to enjoy, as I reflect on events and struggles of this past year.  I hope to feel a little bit thankful that I have made it this far since we lost Lily in April.  It has been a heck of hilly slow climb at times.  But we are still moving forward one step at a time.  I am learning more and more, life is about enjoying day to day moments and making the best of each day as we can, accepting that some days will be much tougher than others along the way, but trusting that with the help of God, we can keep running along the path that has been set forth for us, knowing that we are not alone.