Stopping to Catch my Breath

This is a beautiful letter I read in a devotion this morning, it was uplifting for me, so I hope it can bring comfort and encouragement to others:

"Beloved,
Celebrate all that you are, all that you are becoming! The radiant beauty of your smile is a reflection of the light that is glowing within you.  Let your light shine for all to see and know that you are a source of both comfort and joy for others.  Your life is a manificent journey---a spiritual journey in which you will discover what you are capable of achieving.  Always be the best you can be, do the best you are capable of doing.  When you do, you truly will be celebrating life.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you all the way.  Let My love be a healing balm that gently soothes you.  Rest assured that with every step you take, you are walking a path that will lead you to great and greater accomplishments."

"The Darknes is passing away and the true light is already shining" -1John 2:8

Well, I can't quite figure out what happened to October, but wow it is leaving me behind and November and the Holidays are facing me full speed ahead, and nothing can slow them down.  I am a person that often finds myself running around in circles, sprinting, and dashing all over the place trying to keep up with my busy life.  It is funny right now when it returns to that hectic place, because when I stop and think about it, I really don't have too much to complain about or be stressed about.  I am just  a "go" "go" "go" girl, and I am constantly having to tell myself to stop, take a rest, and catch my breath for awhile.

Well, today is finally a great day of rest for me.  I am sitting here on my back patio typing and enjoying a beautiful morning off work from the hospital.  I apologize for this long gap in posting after sending a message to everyone that I was off to Portland to do a marathon, and then just providing silence for these past 3 weeks.  I honestly don't know how those 3 weeks escaped me so quickly.

Anyway, we made it to Portland.  It was a great vacation!  The marathon was a great experience, I did finish!  But, I will be honest, it was a tough one for me.  But, it was number 13, so maybe I can use the excuse, that it was just "unlucky" # 13 for me.  Others might be thinking, what the heck are you thinking doing 13 marathons anyway?? 

Well, it started out well.  I was a little emotional in the beginning.  Part of me was excited, I was able to think about what all had happened in the past several months.  I felt a bit of a sense of joy and peace that I had made it through the tough days and months, continued on in the journey, and arrived there at the starting line of a marathon.  Even in light of the pain and struggle we went through, I also recognize, that I am truly blessed with my health, a great family, and a supportive husband, who walked me in the cold rain that morning to get me to the start line that day.

 I cried a little as the race started, the beginning is a bit exhilarating no matter how many I do.  But, I also felt this surge of mixed emotions sad and happy, thinking about our baby Lily, and wanting to honor her.  Then, to be honest there was a little part of me that was thinking, "Holy cow I have decided to run another whole marathon....here goes, we have a long way to go today!"  And a little bit of "Why did I decide to do yet another one of these crazy things??" 

Anyway, I won't go into all the details, but I ran pretty steady not real fast for me, but not too slow for the first half.  Then, by mile 13 and 14, I was feeling pretty crappy.  My legs were cramping, I was pretty cold, and my body was just feeling a little "off."  So, I just had one of those days when things didn't go as planned, and the new plan became, "just make it to the next mile", "just make to the next water stop", "you can make to 17", "trot your way to 20", "now just keep waddling to 23", and "just grin and bear it/quit being such baby, gut out these last 3 miles", and lastly "finish this Darn thing"!  SO, with each of these mini goals, one at a time, I gutted it out, and waddled on through the finish.  I will be honest, even after completing 12 other marathons, and two Ironman, I did have a couple moments when I wanted to "quit"  wondered if I should visit the "medical tent" (maybe as an excuse :)  But, when I was able to get inside my own head and try to realize some of the things that were most frustrating, such as feeling so slow, I remembered that speed was not why I showed up that day, and some obsessions related to my previous hard core racing days, were not important that day either.  Once I reminded myself of these things, and got over my pride a bit, I realized I just needed to keep going, not for anyone else, but for myself. 

So, I finally made it to the finish, yes a little disappointed in having a pretty "poor" race in my book.  But, I was proud of myself for finishing, and for trying to keep hold of my own personal purposes and reasons for being there.  With those in clear focus, I knew a finish that day was a truly amazing accomplishment for me, and I allowed myself to carry the big grin that I love to wear, and feel truly proud that I had even made it to the start, and then battled it out to the finish! 

The journey we walked and seemingly crawled at times over the summer and fall after losing our baby, was very similar in alot of ways to the race that day. We were tired, weary, frustrated, and just wanted to quit at times.  But, we got through the days one day at a time, and finally just as many promised, the days finally started getting much easier.  About the time of the marathon earlier this month, is also the time in my life when I was feeling we had truly come more close to being "finished" with the toughest parts of our journey. I feel truly greatful for God, many great people, and some hard core determination keeping us moving forward to brighter days ahead.

Some days you just have to gut it out, allow yourself to struggle, feel a little slower than normal, and be proud more of the journey and growth that come along the way.  After these periods of struggle, it is so nice to feel the joy of victory, wear your personal medal of honor proudly, and then take some time to just rest and allow yourself to catch your breath!

God Bless,