The Village brings Hope

"The Christmas tree represents hope and the desire for a good harvest or prosperous year." 

I like this quote, because I have been enjoying some quiet moments recently, sitting quietly, staring at the lights on my Christmas tree.  Ted has even laughed as he has found me sitting with my dogs just staring at the tree in a quiet, otherwise dark room, on more than one occasion. I find a sense of peace staring into the lights and do feel a sense of longing for hope in my soul. 

Today is a day full of hope, and this hope started building in my soul over the weekend.  It was a nice weekend with some joy in holiday parties, laughter with good friends, and topped off with a great gathering with some wonderful ladies on Sunday night.

 I made a comment at the women's study on Sunday night that made me realize a wonderful thing.  I stated that it is amazing how we can often feel the presence of great people surrounding us in our darkest times, and sometimes the most unexpected events align to bring a little joy, despite the questioning and agony that still come with other unexplained circumstances.  And, although the pain may still be there, it brings a great sense of hope and peace.  I stopped on Sunday when I made the comment, and realized the presence of God was surrounding me, even when so many things are difficult to grasp at this time.

I am actually overwhelmed if I think about the village that surrounds me at times, that carries me through each minute, each day, each week.  And, today I look up and realize that I have alot to be thankful for in the midst of my painful times and the waiting that I am currently having to endure.

God sends people and orchestrates events, often not what we are expecting at our greatest times of need.  And, if I can stop to look around, it is so amazing to realize all the people and events that continue to bring me peace even in the midst of difficult times.

Yes, I have had some rough days again, been a little crazy if you asked Ted.   But, I continue to move forward with so many wonderful people carrying me along. I still so deeply wish to have a child one day, and my heart aches for the loss of Lily and this more recent loss on top of it all.  But, I do feel a sense of peace when I stop and recount all of the wonderful people and events that have occurred in the last few weeks.

Here is a long list that comes to mind:
- 4 dear Friends coordinating schedules with each other, dropping everything to come and sit with me in the day after our 2nd loss, so Ted could spend some time away with a friend
-A random night, with others not being able to make a study, ending up with a great one on one visit with my Pastor's wife, a great woman and friend.  What a blessing it was to have her over,with my husband out of town, and for her gift of listening and encouragement, even though the original event had not worked out.
- A friend meeting me for dinner who has also lost a baby to stillbirth, and then accompanying me to our church for an advent grief service
- A pastor having a grief service this holiday season, when for two weeks, I had been telling people, even my counselor, that I felt so "numb" that it was difficult, I wished I could "feel" more, something....
-Going to this service and stepping forward to the alter, tears streaming down, touched by healing hands, marked with the cross, anointed with oil, tears still streaming down.  Feeling God's presence surrounding me and being so thankful for this quiet time, I so desperately needed... the numbness lifting..
-A wonderful mom sitting next to me during the service just hugging me as I continued to cry
- A great friend meeting me for breakfast and sharing her grief of a recent loss, us sharing our stories and struggles, and trying to make sense of it all.
- A triathlon coach and dear friend, meeting with me, and writing me a training schedule to help give me a sense of purpose for now, while I am stuck in this period of waiting.  But, encouraging me to keep hope for having children, and helping me find a healthy balance for now.
- A nurse, a friend, and a chaplain, who have been meeting with me once a month since we lost Lily, who have helped me so much. 
-Running into an old soccer buddy at Central Market on Sunday, and her mentioning her sadness over us losing Lily, even though we have not seen each other in more than a year or two, sharing our recent life stories.
-Running my first run again after another loss with my dear friend, then making it a week later around the lake for a loop for the first time "again", with her encouragement every step of the way.
-A husband who stands by my side even on the toughest days, always giving me the security that he is sticking with this and me, even when things reach some of their toughest points.  His quiet sense of peace in my most anxious times, brings comfort to my soul.
-There have been many other countless messages from friends, friends understanding when I have to cancel plans, because I sometimes just don't feel up to "big" outings.  So many wonderful people and events that have really helped me through the last few weeks.

All of these wonderful events and people, the whole village that surrounds me, have brought me to today, a day that has been a truly wonderful day, that has made me feel back in my "Kristina" groove!  Even if it is just "one" day, it feels great!  Last week was really rough, but today was a great day, and for now I will make the choice, to feel so grateful for this day, and for all the wonderful people that have brought me to a place that would allow such joy and peace.

I didn't win the lottery, I didn't hear the results of my testing yet, I didn't have any out of the ordinary accomplishments.  I still don't know for sure if we will ever be able to have our own children.  But, between the normal daily events of work, my patients, working out, and interactions with my husband, actual happy anticipation of Christmas, and more of a glimmer of joy in my soul, it was truly a wonderful day.

May we all feel the presence of God and others around us in our most difficult times.  May I be a light to shine on others as so many have shined hope upon me.  May we gather together as a village and community to carry each other and surround each other through all the journeys that lie ahead.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry. "Abba, Father."  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - Romans 8:14

God Bless,