Bumps in the road, but Moving Along

This was a helpful quote from a little devotion I read this morning:
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have wondered since I started writing this blog how honest I should really be, and how much I should really share of the little day to day events that I struggle with.  I don't want to just start whining incessantly or depress you all, but I also want to be honest with some of my struggles I endure along this journey since we lost Lily.

So, I will share a few events from the last week or so.  I still feel much more at peace overall.  I am not so constantly sad, and I feel hope more often I as am in this period of waiting.  I think I am learning alot about patience and trusting God one day at at time.  There are so many unknowns at times, but I try to focus on each day individually and not get to caught up in all the "what ifs" that are unknown in the days to come.

However, I will admit this is alot easier said than done from moment to moment throughout the day.  I was only pregnant with Lily for 6 months, which was a long time for me, but in the grand scheme of life, is relatively short.  Anyway, I would think that since it was 6 months, and it ended back in April, that most of the paperwork, mail, etc., other dealings would be done and behind us.

But, unfortunately, things still come and require dealing with, even after all of these months.  I got a message last week from Destination Maternity.  I guess I had given them my due date.  I had spent alot of money in there one day for Maternity clothes, so I guess they thought they would give me a call.  Well, it was the most devastating thing ever.  It was something like, "Hi Kristina, we know you have had your baby now, and we hope everything is going well...we want to invite you to bring your baby to baby yoga, even if she is just 3 weeks old, you can bring her, we hope to see you" blah blah blah... Well, this was just last week, and I just lost it, started crying and felt myself spinning into a dark depressed state for the rest of the evening.  To just sit there and listen and be reminded of the loss all over again, was just too much.  By the way, I did call them and tell them as kindly as I could, to please stop calling my house, and that we lost our baby.

Then, just a couple days ago, I got another bill from the hospital, and then this strange bill from 8 months ago when I had seen a specialist way back in Jan.  I was thinking "Why the heck would they be sending this now, and obviously it didn't do much good, so why would I want to pay them now"  Lily's gone, and the appointment was 8 months ago... Seriously!!  So, I called them up as well and with the depressing news, they decided to wave the bill, seeing that it was just now arriving 8 months later!! 

The last bump in the road in the past week came on Wed. evening.  I told my husband I would run to the store to get a few things fairly late at night, about 10:00PM.  We needed a few things and some cash for Thurs.  So, I was just cruising through the store actually enjoying the quiet, since it was late.  Much better than my trip to Central Market on Tues after getting off early.  Every corner I turned was a newborn, a pregnant women, or a mom with cute little girls in tow.  This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but seriously Tuesday, they were out in full abundance, and I was thinking I was just about to lose my mind trying to get a few things and get outa there. 

Anyway, now back to the late night at Tom Thumb.  I will try to make this as short as possible.  There was a family in front of me at the register taking forever at the checkout, and I noticed a baby off in the basket off to the side with a young 20 something father.  Anyway, the baby was just sitting in the front part of the basket, and the dad was trying to just strap him in with the strap on the basket.  I started thinking all these thoughts about...how it looked unsafe, and how I thought the baby was small enough that it should really be in a carrier.  Then I thought, "Don't be so crazy Kristina, you are just being more paranoid, because you wish you had a baby, etc."  Well, then the dad was turned around and not paying attention, and the baby did start to fall, started to fall head first right over the side into the back of the basket.  The checker guy and myself rushed over there, and yes I actually had to catch the baby, pick it up with my own hands and hand it back to the father. Now, I am not saying this baby would have died if I would not have caught it, but it most certainly could have been injured.  And, the whole thing was just so frustrating.  I first looked at them and thought they were being so irresponsible, and then I had thought I was being judgmental, then only to have to go and catch their baby as they were all just not paying attention.  Of course, I smiled and handed the baby back and didn't say a word.  But, I was dying inside.  I was so angry at God and I was so angry and jealous of this family.  Not all the most Godly thoughts, but it just hurt so much.  This family had all these kids and this baby, and it just seemed so unfair.  I felt like it was all just being rubbed in my face.  I drove home and I just started bawling and crying.  Then my poor husband had to deal with me.

I know that you can't look around at life and other people and compare your experiences.  It will only lead to disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc.  I don't wish bad for those people or that baby, I pray that it can grow and be loved and have a wonderful life.  But, at the same time, it can all be so frustrating. And, I really felt going to the store at 10:00PM, would be a pretty low risk outing for having to deal with all of these emotions all of a sudden. It is these moments that just catch me off guard, that can be so frustrating.

I guess right now my prayer is for patience and to daily continue to trust in God.  I feel healing and a continued sense of peace overall from the intense grief.  But, I struggle with feeling a little lost.  I have so many friends who are in the midst of raising their children, and I had joined the club I thought, and then without warning, I was back out again.  It's no one's fault, and there are so many people that would love for us to have a child, but for now, we have to just keep living the life we have. 

I am often a person who is about having huge goals, and always needing another one for the future.  Well, this can be good and bad.  It has been good for accomplishing some great dreams and having some wonderful experiences.  But, when you go from training full force for two Ironman triathlons, then to being pregnant and training in my mind full force for being a mommy....there is danger in them both being over for now.  I feel lost at times, without a clear purpose.  But, I think God is also teaching me alot about trusting him and his purposes and goals for me, instead of me trying to be in control and making my own big goals for myself.

The days are funny, some days I feel great, back to a more regular routine, content with my job, content with the calmness in our life in alot of ways.  I know in my heart if we have another child, that this peace and calm will go away in a second, so maybe I should enjoy it and soak it up for now.  Other days, the quiet in the house, seems lonely, and it leaves me feeling restless.

One morning recently, I woke up and I was just very sad again.  I sat at the kitchen table and I stared at the bill from the hospital on the table, and I note I had crossed off that said, "call and cancel daycares" (had been putting this off for awhile), then to the wall full of baby announcements from friends, and I just felt so sad, I just cried, and sat there for awhile, not really being able to get up and do anything for a bit.

But, in the midst of all of the sadness and confusion, I do have hope for the future.  I do see that God can use me day to day in small and big ways in the lives of other people if I allow him.  I do have perspective from my job at the hospital, that sometimes really bad things happen to really good people, it is just a reality of our life here on earth.  But, with God's help and the help of those around me, we can keep on in this journey, making it over the big and small bumps in the road, knowing that one day we will be with God, and all of the pain here on earth will be taken away.

God's Peace,

Endurance must be Part of the Journey

"Endurance must be a part of the journey. Life will not be easy. Questions will not be simple. We will want to stop and just sit along the pathway sometimes. But when we let go and let God guide, when we can let God provide our breath and our life, we gain the endurance God wants for each of us in our lives. In the process, our vulnerability comes to the surface, and ironically, we become strong. Not of ourselves, but as children of God. In that process, we regain our souls.

So run with endurance the race that is set before you. Run, relax, let go. And there, you’ll discover your soul. "  - Michael R. Sullivan

I Love this Quote!  And, it seems to sum up the last several months of my life!  It kinda makes me laugh in a way.  I used to send this quote out when I was training for marathons and triathlons, and then I even posted it on my facebook profile.  When I think back, it is almost like I thought it would be good to "inspire others."  In some ways I don't think I really grasped its full meaning in my own life back then.  Maybe at the time, I was afraid to.

Well, the last several months have been full of realizations for me, that Life is NOT always Easy, and Questions are often far from SIMPLE.  But, if we trust God in our lives, we gain endurance to make it through the especially tough journeys, and thus truly allow our vulnerability to come to the surface.  In return, God makes as strong as children of God, therefore allowing us to regain our souls. 

Grieving over the loss of our baby Lily, has required much endurance.  At the beginning, it seemed almost impossible the journey that was ahead.  But, as the days and months pass, I see the endurance God has produced in me, the growth, and ultimately see the hope of regaining my soul.

I cried almost daily for four months straight.  Mostly in the morning by myself.  It got so old after awhile, so tiring.  But, the sadness needed to come out of me.  The days are much brighter now.  But this is not the kind of thing that will ever just "go away" completely.  I have parts of me that still hurt, that are still a bit dark.  I told my friend Andrea, that I notice I am a bit more "cynical" these days, and at times making some shockingly dark comments that even surprise myself in front of family and friends that I can just be honest with.  I know sometimes this is just my pain coming out or me allowing myself to be true to my pain, but sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.

For, example, I said to a friend from high school just last week, whom I love dearly, "I think it wouldn't all be so bad, IF I wouldn't have had to deliver her, hold her, and then go to the Funeral Home."  Holy cow, it just shocked me to just be spouting off the fact that we had made a heart wrenching visit to the funeral home.  And, I don't want to depress you all with the details of the visit.  But, I also want to spread awareness that Stillbirth is a complicated process.  If your baby is over a certain weight, they have to release it to a funeral home.  Then you have to go and sign many papers, that were plastered with "Baby Lily Martin"  "Baby Girl Martin"  ...etc..  Then you have to decide if you should have another service outside of the one we had at the hospital, a burial, cremation, etc.  all when you are really in a state of Pure SHOCK! And to top it all off, they send you an official "Death Certificate" in the mail.

Anyway, it was a very sad and heartbreaking day that we had to endure, but God got us through, and has continued to help us through many other tough steps in the process. But, it saddens me that now I may just "offhandedly" remark to a friend, that "I had to go to a funeral home.." 

I have been really feeling so much better since I wrote that post on September 1st.  I truly feel that I looked forward to a turning point with the end of Summer, and the coming of a "New Season."  I am trying to keep life in perspective, maintain a positive attitude, and take advantage of the days that I do have, regardless of my current circumstances that I wish could be different.

The picture I am posting is of statues that my dear friend Jennica gave us for a wedding present.  She lived in Indonesia and gave us these.  I wish I could remember more specifics about the tradition, but we were told that it is a symbol of us being "united" in "marriage"and that we should not separate the couple.  My husband has taken it seriously and makes sure they stay together even when we are dusting.  We have been married for 7 years, so they have been with us for awhile.  My husband is not always a man of many words, but he always amazes me at times.  He did not say anything about it, but once we got Lily's ashes and brought them home in a little urn, he placed them right in front of the statues.  I had not noticed them at first.  Then, one day I was searching through my camera, and found this picture he had taken without saying a word.  It was so sweet, I realized he had placed her there with us, and that we were all together, and would surely all be re-united more fully in heaven one day.  I looked up on the shelf, and there we were all together, just as in the picture.

So, we press on in our journey seeing more brightness and feeling less consumed by the dark woods!  God, has definitely given me endurance for this journey and shaped my character in beautiful ways, as I more fully allow my vulnerability to come to the surface, and have allowed him to give me Hope and Restoration of my Soul!

May God Bless you All,

Looking forward to a New Season

I had this thought a few weeks ago, that if I could just make it past August and  into September, that I would look forward to the end of Summer and the start of a "New Season"  literally to escape the dreadful heat here in Dallas, and personally to have a fresh start on a new phase of life moving on past this intense phase of grieving.  I realized in the middle of today, "I made it!"  September has arrived folks, and I felt a little glimmer of hope and relief, that we really were going to make it out of this tough phase of life and hopefully find some brighter journeys ahead.

I talked with my friend Autumn from Michigan (who now lives in Nashville) two nights ago, and I just had this funny thought, that it was very fitting, that "Autumn" gave me a full dose of inspiration to finish out the last few tough days of summer, and I look forward to new things to come as we move right into the Season of "Autumn" :)  It was so amazing how I just spilled my guts to her after not talking for so long, it is great how certain friends will always be that way, no matter how long the gaps are.  She gives her life and time to mission work visiting orphans all over the world.  And, lets just say that when I talk to her and hear her passion and see how she is so excited about what she does, I clearly see and feel more than amazed by what God can do in a person's life if they are willing to trust him and take on true adventure.

I was surprised as I was leaving work today, to find that it had started pouring down rain here in Dallas!  Despite the fact that I had no umbrella and was wearing "white" slacks and looked and felt like a dripping wet dog as I arrived at my car in the parking lot, It was actually so refreshing to see the rain coming down.  I felt as though we really were starting September in a fresh new way!  As I got in the car I started thinking about a song that I have been playing over and over in my car with some other songs, that have helped as I have struggled to makes sense of things the past few months. Here are the lyrics (by Mercy Me)

"Jesus Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


So, looking forward to a new season, and some cooler weather!  The days are still rough at times, I had a few tears today, and if you asked my husband, a bit of a "freaking out" session, regarding wishing I could control very specifically all of the upcoming events of my future and know them all in advance right now!!  But, I made it out for a short jog to clear the mind, and I am working on some things that I am really excited about on the side right now.