Endurance must be Part of the Journey

"Endurance must be a part of the journey. Life will not be easy. Questions will not be simple. We will want to stop and just sit along the pathway sometimes. But when we let go and let God guide, when we can let God provide our breath and our life, we gain the endurance God wants for each of us in our lives. In the process, our vulnerability comes to the surface, and ironically, we become strong. Not of ourselves, but as children of God. In that process, we regain our souls.

So run with endurance the race that is set before you. Run, relax, let go. And there, you’ll discover your soul. "  - Michael R. Sullivan

I Love this Quote!  And, it seems to sum up the last several months of my life!  It kinda makes me laugh in a way.  I used to send this quote out when I was training for marathons and triathlons, and then I even posted it on my facebook profile.  When I think back, it is almost like I thought it would be good to "inspire others."  In some ways I don't think I really grasped its full meaning in my own life back then.  Maybe at the time, I was afraid to.

Well, the last several months have been full of realizations for me, that Life is NOT always Easy, and Questions are often far from SIMPLE.  But, if we trust God in our lives, we gain endurance to make it through the especially tough journeys, and thus truly allow our vulnerability to come to the surface.  In return, God makes as strong as children of God, therefore allowing us to regain our souls. 

Grieving over the loss of our baby Lily, has required much endurance.  At the beginning, it seemed almost impossible the journey that was ahead.  But, as the days and months pass, I see the endurance God has produced in me, the growth, and ultimately see the hope of regaining my soul.

I cried almost daily for four months straight.  Mostly in the morning by myself.  It got so old after awhile, so tiring.  But, the sadness needed to come out of me.  The days are much brighter now.  But this is not the kind of thing that will ever just "go away" completely.  I have parts of me that still hurt, that are still a bit dark.  I told my friend Andrea, that I notice I am a bit more "cynical" these days, and at times making some shockingly dark comments that even surprise myself in front of family and friends that I can just be honest with.  I know sometimes this is just my pain coming out or me allowing myself to be true to my pain, but sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.

For, example, I said to a friend from high school just last week, whom I love dearly, "I think it wouldn't all be so bad, IF I wouldn't have had to deliver her, hold her, and then go to the Funeral Home."  Holy cow, it just shocked me to just be spouting off the fact that we had made a heart wrenching visit to the funeral home.  And, I don't want to depress you all with the details of the visit.  But, I also want to spread awareness that Stillbirth is a complicated process.  If your baby is over a certain weight, they have to release it to a funeral home.  Then you have to go and sign many papers, that were plastered with "Baby Lily Martin"  "Baby Girl Martin"  ...etc..  Then you have to decide if you should have another service outside of the one we had at the hospital, a burial, cremation, etc.  all when you are really in a state of Pure SHOCK! And to top it all off, they send you an official "Death Certificate" in the mail.

Anyway, it was a very sad and heartbreaking day that we had to endure, but God got us through, and has continued to help us through many other tough steps in the process. But, it saddens me that now I may just "offhandedly" remark to a friend, that "I had to go to a funeral home.." 

I have been really feeling so much better since I wrote that post on September 1st.  I truly feel that I looked forward to a turning point with the end of Summer, and the coming of a "New Season."  I am trying to keep life in perspective, maintain a positive attitude, and take advantage of the days that I do have, regardless of my current circumstances that I wish could be different.

The picture I am posting is of statues that my dear friend Jennica gave us for a wedding present.  She lived in Indonesia and gave us these.  I wish I could remember more specifics about the tradition, but we were told that it is a symbol of us being "united" in "marriage"and that we should not separate the couple.  My husband has taken it seriously and makes sure they stay together even when we are dusting.  We have been married for 7 years, so they have been with us for awhile.  My husband is not always a man of many words, but he always amazes me at times.  He did not say anything about it, but once we got Lily's ashes and brought them home in a little urn, he placed them right in front of the statues.  I had not noticed them at first.  Then, one day I was searching through my camera, and found this picture he had taken without saying a word.  It was so sweet, I realized he had placed her there with us, and that we were all together, and would surely all be re-united more fully in heaven one day.  I looked up on the shelf, and there we were all together, just as in the picture.

So, we press on in our journey seeing more brightness and feeling less consumed by the dark woods!  God, has definitely given me endurance for this journey and shaped my character in beautiful ways, as I more fully allow my vulnerability to come to the surface, and have allowed him to give me Hope and Restoration of my Soul!

May God Bless you All,