Bumps in the road, but Moving Along

This was a helpful quote from a little devotion I read this morning:
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have wondered since I started writing this blog how honest I should really be, and how much I should really share of the little day to day events that I struggle with.  I don't want to just start whining incessantly or depress you all, but I also want to be honest with some of my struggles I endure along this journey since we lost Lily.

So, I will share a few events from the last week or so.  I still feel much more at peace overall.  I am not so constantly sad, and I feel hope more often I as am in this period of waiting.  I think I am learning alot about patience and trusting God one day at at time.  There are so many unknowns at times, but I try to focus on each day individually and not get to caught up in all the "what ifs" that are unknown in the days to come.

However, I will admit this is alot easier said than done from moment to moment throughout the day.  I was only pregnant with Lily for 6 months, which was a long time for me, but in the grand scheme of life, is relatively short.  Anyway, I would think that since it was 6 months, and it ended back in April, that most of the paperwork, mail, etc., other dealings would be done and behind us.

But, unfortunately, things still come and require dealing with, even after all of these months.  I got a message last week from Destination Maternity.  I guess I had given them my due date.  I had spent alot of money in there one day for Maternity clothes, so I guess they thought they would give me a call.  Well, it was the most devastating thing ever.  It was something like, "Hi Kristina, we know you have had your baby now, and we hope everything is going well...we want to invite you to bring your baby to baby yoga, even if she is just 3 weeks old, you can bring her, we hope to see you" blah blah blah... Well, this was just last week, and I just lost it, started crying and felt myself spinning into a dark depressed state for the rest of the evening.  To just sit there and listen and be reminded of the loss all over again, was just too much.  By the way, I did call them and tell them as kindly as I could, to please stop calling my house, and that we lost our baby.

Then, just a couple days ago, I got another bill from the hospital, and then this strange bill from 8 months ago when I had seen a specialist way back in Jan.  I was thinking "Why the heck would they be sending this now, and obviously it didn't do much good, so why would I want to pay them now"  Lily's gone, and the appointment was 8 months ago... Seriously!!  So, I called them up as well and with the depressing news, they decided to wave the bill, seeing that it was just now arriving 8 months later!! 

The last bump in the road in the past week came on Wed. evening.  I told my husband I would run to the store to get a few things fairly late at night, about 10:00PM.  We needed a few things and some cash for Thurs.  So, I was just cruising through the store actually enjoying the quiet, since it was late.  Much better than my trip to Central Market on Tues after getting off early.  Every corner I turned was a newborn, a pregnant women, or a mom with cute little girls in tow.  This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but seriously Tuesday, they were out in full abundance, and I was thinking I was just about to lose my mind trying to get a few things and get outa there. 

Anyway, now back to the late night at Tom Thumb.  I will try to make this as short as possible.  There was a family in front of me at the register taking forever at the checkout, and I noticed a baby off in the basket off to the side with a young 20 something father.  Anyway, the baby was just sitting in the front part of the basket, and the dad was trying to just strap him in with the strap on the basket.  I started thinking all these thoughts about...how it looked unsafe, and how I thought the baby was small enough that it should really be in a carrier.  Then I thought, "Don't be so crazy Kristina, you are just being more paranoid, because you wish you had a baby, etc."  Well, then the dad was turned around and not paying attention, and the baby did start to fall, started to fall head first right over the side into the back of the basket.  The checker guy and myself rushed over there, and yes I actually had to catch the baby, pick it up with my own hands and hand it back to the father. Now, I am not saying this baby would have died if I would not have caught it, but it most certainly could have been injured.  And, the whole thing was just so frustrating.  I first looked at them and thought they were being so irresponsible, and then I had thought I was being judgmental, then only to have to go and catch their baby as they were all just not paying attention.  Of course, I smiled and handed the baby back and didn't say a word.  But, I was dying inside.  I was so angry at God and I was so angry and jealous of this family.  Not all the most Godly thoughts, but it just hurt so much.  This family had all these kids and this baby, and it just seemed so unfair.  I felt like it was all just being rubbed in my face.  I drove home and I just started bawling and crying.  Then my poor husband had to deal with me.

I know that you can't look around at life and other people and compare your experiences.  It will only lead to disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc.  I don't wish bad for those people or that baby, I pray that it can grow and be loved and have a wonderful life.  But, at the same time, it can all be so frustrating. And, I really felt going to the store at 10:00PM, would be a pretty low risk outing for having to deal with all of these emotions all of a sudden. It is these moments that just catch me off guard, that can be so frustrating.

I guess right now my prayer is for patience and to daily continue to trust in God.  I feel healing and a continued sense of peace overall from the intense grief.  But, I struggle with feeling a little lost.  I have so many friends who are in the midst of raising their children, and I had joined the club I thought, and then without warning, I was back out again.  It's no one's fault, and there are so many people that would love for us to have a child, but for now, we have to just keep living the life we have. 

I am often a person who is about having huge goals, and always needing another one for the future.  Well, this can be good and bad.  It has been good for accomplishing some great dreams and having some wonderful experiences.  But, when you go from training full force for two Ironman triathlons, then to being pregnant and training in my mind full force for being a mommy....there is danger in them both being over for now.  I feel lost at times, without a clear purpose.  But, I think God is also teaching me alot about trusting him and his purposes and goals for me, instead of me trying to be in control and making my own big goals for myself.

The days are funny, some days I feel great, back to a more regular routine, content with my job, content with the calmness in our life in alot of ways.  I know in my heart if we have another child, that this peace and calm will go away in a second, so maybe I should enjoy it and soak it up for now.  Other days, the quiet in the house, seems lonely, and it leaves me feeling restless.

One morning recently, I woke up and I was just very sad again.  I sat at the kitchen table and I stared at the bill from the hospital on the table, and I note I had crossed off that said, "call and cancel daycares" (had been putting this off for awhile), then to the wall full of baby announcements from friends, and I just felt so sad, I just cried, and sat there for awhile, not really being able to get up and do anything for a bit.

But, in the midst of all of the sadness and confusion, I do have hope for the future.  I do see that God can use me day to day in small and big ways in the lives of other people if I allow him.  I do have perspective from my job at the hospital, that sometimes really bad things happen to really good people, it is just a reality of our life here on earth.  But, with God's help and the help of those around me, we can keep on in this journey, making it over the big and small bumps in the road, knowing that one day we will be with God, and all of the pain here on earth will be taken away.

God's Peace,