Running on Faith, Friends, Good Coffee, and heading to Portland!

Well, after a somewhat low point in my journey a couple of weeks ago, I am happy to report, some better spirits, and some fun events for me on the horizon.  When I lost Lily in the late spring, I felt lost, and frustrated at being out of shape from the pregnancy, especially since I didn't have a baby at home, to make it all seem more worthwhile.

 So, I needed a goal, something to keep me busy, and something to help me get back in shape!  So, just like any other normal human being would do, I simply signed up for a marathon :)  If you don't know my history, see post from 2 years ago, "Morning Marathon Confessions."  Anyway, I have a history, maybe even slight "addiction" for signing up for crazy events.   In some ways, I knew it would be a good thing to help keep me occupied for the summer and fall.  I also decided in the back of my mind, it could in a sense, be something I could do in honor of Lily, before consuming myself and focus with thoughts of having other children.  I remember sending an email to my old triathlon coach and one of my best training buddies back in May, announcing that my "next phase" of "therapy" was now beginning, "My Running."  The doctor had cleared me to run two weeks after I delivered, so I quickly signed up for a Marathon, and rushed out to buy a new pair of running shoes!

So, the training began for the Portland Marathon  to take place 10/10/10....The training started out pretty well in June and July.  I had some good therapeutic chats and long runs with my friend Andrea, getting up to 18 miles pretty quickly by July.  When August rolled around, I was still on track, hitting a 20 miler around the second week of August.

Then, the rest of August,  I struggled a bit with my training.  I was honestly sick of the scorching heat and humidity in Dallas, and honestly a little depressed as our due date hit in  mid-August.  The combination of the two, found me sleeping in a bit more, and cutting my runs a little short.  Before I knew it, September was rolling around, and I was not sure what I was going to do about this race.  I felt torn, part of me really wanted to complete the race, but part of me just wanted to forget about it.  I had this other struggle with trying not to get too obsessed with this race, and trying to have a little fun (since I had spent two years of my life racing and obsessing about my racing performances for the Ironman, etc.). Well, that little fun this summer, became more and more fun, as I would drop everything and take off to the lake with various friends, skipping my long runs a few weekends, but having a grand time at the lake :) And, overall, I really enjoyed trying not to make the marathon my main focus.  But, it was a struggle keeping it balanced devoting enough energy to the training, but keeping priorities and focus on other more important things as well at the time.

Well, long story short, I got back to my more consistent training mid-September as the weather was cooler, and as I started my "New Season" personally.  I gave myself an ultimatum, that I needed to get another 20 miler in ASAP, or this marathon was going to be pretty miserable, due to my lack of recent long runs.  So, on a rainy Saturday just 2 weeks ago, with my faithful friend Andrea, I headed out in the pouring rain and started our morning journey to get this long run done!  It turned out to be one of the first really cool days in Dallas, and the rain never really got too bad, just a steady constant rain.  It actually was so refreshing just running along with one of my best friends, sharing various stories of our life journeys, and splashing through the puddles along the way! Completing this 20 miler, I knew I would have to complete this marathon after all, and felt a relief to have completed at least one more solid long run. 

I say all of this just to be honest, that no matter how many races you have done as an athlete, recreational runner, or even completed an Ironman in my case, training can be a challenge for various reasons at different points along the way.  Life is complicated at times, sometimes we get a bit off track, and sometimes we just want to stop and give up when things get tough.  But, with a little faith, some good friends, and good old fashioned determination, we can overcome hardships, and meet our goals, despite difficult obstacles along the way.

I have been thinking a great deal about the last few weeks, and how I truly feel my spirits lifting overall, even in the midst of some really tough days. I keep feeling so thankful for some of the wonderful people I have in my life, that have so helped me through this journey of losing Lily.   I am also daily amazed at the wonderful encouragement that can come from unexpected people, situations, and even strangers.  I have to admit, even some of the comments I have received from long lost friends, various people who know me here in Dallas, and others who know my story or have read this blog, have meant so much to me.   These kind and comforting words have been so precious to me, and have come in such surprisingly and wonderful ways at times.

I still get sad at times, I still think of Lily often.  But, as I continue along the path and try to hold on to my faith and hope in God.  I  know that I will be able to keep running with my head up in this journey.  I feel my burdens a little lighter these days.  I am loving the crisp coolness in the Fall air right now, it is so refreshing to for my running and for my soul!  As the weather cools, I also more so enjoy the refreshing smell and taste of my morning coffee, to get me going each day.  I have felt such joy some mornings lately, knowing that I truly feel lighter and happier in my soul, feeling a slight sense of peace that has been missing for quite some time now, slowly returning in my everyday life.

So, I thank God for helping me keep my faith, for some truly amazing friends old and new, for some good doses of coffee and motivation, to keep me energized and feeling refreshed!  So, we will head to Portland on Thursday, and I am excited to know that I will be running the Marathon on Sunday 10/10/10.

 The picture above is of Multnomah falls, one of the "must-see" sights of pure beauty near Portland.  I am hoping to take a short hike there maybe Monday after the race :) I can't wait to enjoy some other wonders of nature and some good fun and adventure with Ted.  I think it will be so great for us to get away and just enjoy a relaxing vacation. And, in case you feel sorry for Ted traveling all the way to Portland, for yet another race of mine...Just know, that he has booked us on an Full day Fishing charter from Seattle, for the following Wednesday.  So, we are all about keeping things "fair" in our marriage for this trip.

So, I look forward to experiencing not "just another marathon" on Sunday, but a instead a special day to remember.  Hopefully, a day to enjoy, as I reflect on events and struggles of this past year.  I hope to feel a little bit thankful that I have made it this far since we lost Lily in April.  It has been a heck of hilly slow climb at times.  But we are still moving forward one step at a time.  I am learning more and more, life is about enjoying day to day moments and making the best of each day as we can, accepting that some days will be much tougher than others along the way, but trusting that with the help of God, we can keep running along the path that has been set forth for us, knowing that we are not alone.

Bumps in the road, but Moving Along

This was a helpful quote from a little devotion I read this morning:
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have wondered since I started writing this blog how honest I should really be, and how much I should really share of the little day to day events that I struggle with.  I don't want to just start whining incessantly or depress you all, but I also want to be honest with some of my struggles I endure along this journey since we lost Lily.

So, I will share a few events from the last week or so.  I still feel much more at peace overall.  I am not so constantly sad, and I feel hope more often I as am in this period of waiting.  I think I am learning alot about patience and trusting God one day at at time.  There are so many unknowns at times, but I try to focus on each day individually and not get to caught up in all the "what ifs" that are unknown in the days to come.

However, I will admit this is alot easier said than done from moment to moment throughout the day.  I was only pregnant with Lily for 6 months, which was a long time for me, but in the grand scheme of life, is relatively short.  Anyway, I would think that since it was 6 months, and it ended back in April, that most of the paperwork, mail, etc., other dealings would be done and behind us.

But, unfortunately, things still come and require dealing with, even after all of these months.  I got a message last week from Destination Maternity.  I guess I had given them my due date.  I had spent alot of money in there one day for Maternity clothes, so I guess they thought they would give me a call.  Well, it was the most devastating thing ever.  It was something like, "Hi Kristina, we know you have had your baby now, and we hope everything is going well...we want to invite you to bring your baby to baby yoga, even if she is just 3 weeks old, you can bring her, we hope to see you" blah blah blah... Well, this was just last week, and I just lost it, started crying and felt myself spinning into a dark depressed state for the rest of the evening.  To just sit there and listen and be reminded of the loss all over again, was just too much.  By the way, I did call them and tell them as kindly as I could, to please stop calling my house, and that we lost our baby.

Then, just a couple days ago, I got another bill from the hospital, and then this strange bill from 8 months ago when I had seen a specialist way back in Jan.  I was thinking "Why the heck would they be sending this now, and obviously it didn't do much good, so why would I want to pay them now"  Lily's gone, and the appointment was 8 months ago... Seriously!!  So, I called them up as well and with the depressing news, they decided to wave the bill, seeing that it was just now arriving 8 months later!! 

The last bump in the road in the past week came on Wed. evening.  I told my husband I would run to the store to get a few things fairly late at night, about 10:00PM.  We needed a few things and some cash for Thurs.  So, I was just cruising through the store actually enjoying the quiet, since it was late.  Much better than my trip to Central Market on Tues after getting off early.  Every corner I turned was a newborn, a pregnant women, or a mom with cute little girls in tow.  This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but seriously Tuesday, they were out in full abundance, and I was thinking I was just about to lose my mind trying to get a few things and get outa there. 

Anyway, now back to the late night at Tom Thumb.  I will try to make this as short as possible.  There was a family in front of me at the register taking forever at the checkout, and I noticed a baby off in the basket off to the side with a young 20 something father.  Anyway, the baby was just sitting in the front part of the basket, and the dad was trying to just strap him in with the strap on the basket.  I started thinking all these thoughts about...how it looked unsafe, and how I thought the baby was small enough that it should really be in a carrier.  Then I thought, "Don't be so crazy Kristina, you are just being more paranoid, because you wish you had a baby, etc."  Well, then the dad was turned around and not paying attention, and the baby did start to fall, started to fall head first right over the side into the back of the basket.  The checker guy and myself rushed over there, and yes I actually had to catch the baby, pick it up with my own hands and hand it back to the father. Now, I am not saying this baby would have died if I would not have caught it, but it most certainly could have been injured.  And, the whole thing was just so frustrating.  I first looked at them and thought they were being so irresponsible, and then I had thought I was being judgmental, then only to have to go and catch their baby as they were all just not paying attention.  Of course, I smiled and handed the baby back and didn't say a word.  But, I was dying inside.  I was so angry at God and I was so angry and jealous of this family.  Not all the most Godly thoughts, but it just hurt so much.  This family had all these kids and this baby, and it just seemed so unfair.  I felt like it was all just being rubbed in my face.  I drove home and I just started bawling and crying.  Then my poor husband had to deal with me.

I know that you can't look around at life and other people and compare your experiences.  It will only lead to disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc.  I don't wish bad for those people or that baby, I pray that it can grow and be loved and have a wonderful life.  But, at the same time, it can all be so frustrating. And, I really felt going to the store at 10:00PM, would be a pretty low risk outing for having to deal with all of these emotions all of a sudden. It is these moments that just catch me off guard, that can be so frustrating.

I guess right now my prayer is for patience and to daily continue to trust in God.  I feel healing and a continued sense of peace overall from the intense grief.  But, I struggle with feeling a little lost.  I have so many friends who are in the midst of raising their children, and I had joined the club I thought, and then without warning, I was back out again.  It's no one's fault, and there are so many people that would love for us to have a child, but for now, we have to just keep living the life we have. 

I am often a person who is about having huge goals, and always needing another one for the future.  Well, this can be good and bad.  It has been good for accomplishing some great dreams and having some wonderful experiences.  But, when you go from training full force for two Ironman triathlons, then to being pregnant and training in my mind full force for being a mommy....there is danger in them both being over for now.  I feel lost at times, without a clear purpose.  But, I think God is also teaching me alot about trusting him and his purposes and goals for me, instead of me trying to be in control and making my own big goals for myself.

The days are funny, some days I feel great, back to a more regular routine, content with my job, content with the calmness in our life in alot of ways.  I know in my heart if we have another child, that this peace and calm will go away in a second, so maybe I should enjoy it and soak it up for now.  Other days, the quiet in the house, seems lonely, and it leaves me feeling restless.

One morning recently, I woke up and I was just very sad again.  I sat at the kitchen table and I stared at the bill from the hospital on the table, and I note I had crossed off that said, "call and cancel daycares" (had been putting this off for awhile), then to the wall full of baby announcements from friends, and I just felt so sad, I just cried, and sat there for awhile, not really being able to get up and do anything for a bit.

But, in the midst of all of the sadness and confusion, I do have hope for the future.  I do see that God can use me day to day in small and big ways in the lives of other people if I allow him.  I do have perspective from my job at the hospital, that sometimes really bad things happen to really good people, it is just a reality of our life here on earth.  But, with God's help and the help of those around me, we can keep on in this journey, making it over the big and small bumps in the road, knowing that one day we will be with God, and all of the pain here on earth will be taken away.

God's Peace,

Endurance must be Part of the Journey

"Endurance must be a part of the journey. Life will not be easy. Questions will not be simple. We will want to stop and just sit along the pathway sometimes. But when we let go and let God guide, when we can let God provide our breath and our life, we gain the endurance God wants for each of us in our lives. In the process, our vulnerability comes to the surface, and ironically, we become strong. Not of ourselves, but as children of God. In that process, we regain our souls.

So run with endurance the race that is set before you. Run, relax, let go. And there, you’ll discover your soul. "  - Michael R. Sullivan

I Love this Quote!  And, it seems to sum up the last several months of my life!  It kinda makes me laugh in a way.  I used to send this quote out when I was training for marathons and triathlons, and then I even posted it on my facebook profile.  When I think back, it is almost like I thought it would be good to "inspire others."  In some ways I don't think I really grasped its full meaning in my own life back then.  Maybe at the time, I was afraid to.

Well, the last several months have been full of realizations for me, that Life is NOT always Easy, and Questions are often far from SIMPLE.  But, if we trust God in our lives, we gain endurance to make it through the especially tough journeys, and thus truly allow our vulnerability to come to the surface.  In return, God makes as strong as children of God, therefore allowing us to regain our souls. 

Grieving over the loss of our baby Lily, has required much endurance.  At the beginning, it seemed almost impossible the journey that was ahead.  But, as the days and months pass, I see the endurance God has produced in me, the growth, and ultimately see the hope of regaining my soul.

I cried almost daily for four months straight.  Mostly in the morning by myself.  It got so old after awhile, so tiring.  But, the sadness needed to come out of me.  The days are much brighter now.  But this is not the kind of thing that will ever just "go away" completely.  I have parts of me that still hurt, that are still a bit dark.  I told my friend Andrea, that I notice I am a bit more "cynical" these days, and at times making some shockingly dark comments that even surprise myself in front of family and friends that I can just be honest with.  I know sometimes this is just my pain coming out or me allowing myself to be true to my pain, but sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.

For, example, I said to a friend from high school just last week, whom I love dearly, "I think it wouldn't all be so bad, IF I wouldn't have had to deliver her, hold her, and then go to the Funeral Home."  Holy cow, it just shocked me to just be spouting off the fact that we had made a heart wrenching visit to the funeral home.  And, I don't want to depress you all with the details of the visit.  But, I also want to spread awareness that Stillbirth is a complicated process.  If your baby is over a certain weight, they have to release it to a funeral home.  Then you have to go and sign many papers, that were plastered with "Baby Lily Martin"  "Baby Girl Martin"  ...etc..  Then you have to decide if you should have another service outside of the one we had at the hospital, a burial, cremation, etc.  all when you are really in a state of Pure SHOCK! And to top it all off, they send you an official "Death Certificate" in the mail.

Anyway, it was a very sad and heartbreaking day that we had to endure, but God got us through, and has continued to help us through many other tough steps in the process. But, it saddens me that now I may just "offhandedly" remark to a friend, that "I had to go to a funeral home.." 

I have been really feeling so much better since I wrote that post on September 1st.  I truly feel that I looked forward to a turning point with the end of Summer, and the coming of a "New Season."  I am trying to keep life in perspective, maintain a positive attitude, and take advantage of the days that I do have, regardless of my current circumstances that I wish could be different.

The picture I am posting is of statues that my dear friend Jennica gave us for a wedding present.  She lived in Indonesia and gave us these.  I wish I could remember more specifics about the tradition, but we were told that it is a symbol of us being "united" in "marriage"and that we should not separate the couple.  My husband has taken it seriously and makes sure they stay together even when we are dusting.  We have been married for 7 years, so they have been with us for awhile.  My husband is not always a man of many words, but he always amazes me at times.  He did not say anything about it, but once we got Lily's ashes and brought them home in a little urn, he placed them right in front of the statues.  I had not noticed them at first.  Then, one day I was searching through my camera, and found this picture he had taken without saying a word.  It was so sweet, I realized he had placed her there with us, and that we were all together, and would surely all be re-united more fully in heaven one day.  I looked up on the shelf, and there we were all together, just as in the picture.

So, we press on in our journey seeing more brightness and feeling less consumed by the dark woods!  God, has definitely given me endurance for this journey and shaped my character in beautiful ways, as I more fully allow my vulnerability to come to the surface, and have allowed him to give me Hope and Restoration of my Soul!

May God Bless you All,

Looking forward to a New Season

I had this thought a few weeks ago, that if I could just make it past August and  into September, that I would look forward to the end of Summer and the start of a "New Season"  literally to escape the dreadful heat here in Dallas, and personally to have a fresh start on a new phase of life moving on past this intense phase of grieving.  I realized in the middle of today, "I made it!"  September has arrived folks, and I felt a little glimmer of hope and relief, that we really were going to make it out of this tough phase of life and hopefully find some brighter journeys ahead.

I talked with my friend Autumn from Michigan (who now lives in Nashville) two nights ago, and I just had this funny thought, that it was very fitting, that "Autumn" gave me a full dose of inspiration to finish out the last few tough days of summer, and I look forward to new things to come as we move right into the Season of "Autumn" :)  It was so amazing how I just spilled my guts to her after not talking for so long, it is great how certain friends will always be that way, no matter how long the gaps are.  She gives her life and time to mission work visiting orphans all over the world.  And, lets just say that when I talk to her and hear her passion and see how she is so excited about what she does, I clearly see and feel more than amazed by what God can do in a person's life if they are willing to trust him and take on true adventure.

I was surprised as I was leaving work today, to find that it had started pouring down rain here in Dallas!  Despite the fact that I had no umbrella and was wearing "white" slacks and looked and felt like a dripping wet dog as I arrived at my car in the parking lot, It was actually so refreshing to see the rain coming down.  I felt as though we really were starting September in a fresh new way!  As I got in the car I started thinking about a song that I have been playing over and over in my car with some other songs, that have helped as I have struggled to makes sense of things the past few months. Here are the lyrics (by Mercy Me)

"Jesus Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


So, looking forward to a new season, and some cooler weather!  The days are still rough at times, I had a few tears today, and if you asked my husband, a bit of a "freaking out" session, regarding wishing I could control very specifically all of the upcoming events of my future and know them all in advance right now!!  But, I made it out for a short jog to clear the mind, and I am working on some things that I am really excited about on the side right now.

Growing Pains Bringing Joy

My life is so different in some ways these days, and in other ways it is just the same as it was before being pregnant. It is strange waking up some days feeling more normal, less sad, lighter in my soul. Then I might have a moment of 10 minutes driving to work crying tears streaming down my face. But, then I might go a whole day at work, touched by patients, enjoying silly chatter with co-workers, not thinking much about what has happened and just going through day to day life not so consumed with thinking about it.

I went through all the stages of grief at some point, the problem is sometimes you re-visit all of them again. It is more like you are are just a ping pong bouncing back and forth between the various stages. I reached a point recently when I felt like I was feeling more into the "acceptance" phase. Then I woke up one day and I was incredibly angry all over again. It is so crazy to have so many emotions hitting you suddenly at different times unexpectedly.

For a long time, I just got so lost in all of this, and I couldn't see any end in sight. But, in the past couple of weeks, even in the midst of some tough days, I have had some very interesting moments of shear realization of other possible purposes for my life day to day right now, while I wait and wonder if we will possibly ever be parents again in the future.

I gave a speech at a church forum yesterday. It was short, just 5 minutes, but I felt good about it. I stood up and talked about my small group and even a little about our loss. In the morning I was thinking, "What the heck was I thinking signing up to go talk in front of a crowd, much less to talk about my current struggle??" I finished, and I felt good about it, that God had given me the strength to stand up and share a more personal part of my story. My mom made a good point at lunch yesterday. Once you have gone through something so devastating and survived....you can approach life and obstacles with less fearfulness, because you are already in the process of overcoming one of your worst fears ever, losing a child.

This morning was a rough morning again. I am off work, should be a relaxing peaceful day. But, when I am alone, the sadness comes in waves. It is probably good, to just get all the crying out at times, but surprises me how it still comes with such force sometimes. I was thinking, "Crap!" "I was doing so well yesterday, now what do I do?."

Then, on my run, I had this thought, that God longs for me to run to him and let him comfort me. I think since I have such a hard time asking others for help and opening up about my struggles at times, it sometimes transfers into my spiritual life as well. I run around trying to take care of it on my own, instead of allowing myself to be still, and feel his comfort, and ask others to pray for me when I can't get the words or strength to pray for myself.

And those of you that know me as so hard core and think running always comes easy for me, just know that it took me about an hour to talk myself into getting out the door today, then it was a slow 4 miles, that didn't really feel that great. So, just know even this "Ironwoman" has bad days when it comes to exercise and motivation! But, I am glad I got my booty out there, I do feel better now!

Anyway, even though I maybe should have asked 4 months ago. Please continue to pray for me, your words of encouragement help me even now after all these months. Thanks so much for all the outpouring of support we have received. It means more than I could ever express. But, please continue to pray for me and my husband, that God would comfort us, and help me to trust him even in these times of uncertainty.

The Loss of our Sweet Baby Lily

The Last four Months have been a blurr. I keep hearing that journaling will be so "therapeutic." At times I love to write. But, I have been scared to do much of it lately. But, at the same time, my heart yearns to find more healing in my soul and to bring more awareness of late pregnancy loss and its devastating journey to find healing and peace.

April 27, 2010 - My mom's birthday..... Was the day my life was turned upside down, my faith shaken, and my soul saddened.
April 29, 2010 - the Sadness was deepened with the delivery and loss of our sweet baby girl, Lily Rene' Martin.

I was 6 months pregnant, enjoying a very healthy non-eventful pregnancy. When a regular check-up unfortunately found my sweet baby to no longer have a heartbeat. I was in shock to say the least, and I remained in that shock for a long time. Two days later, I was admitted to the hospital, labor induced, and unfortunately faced with delivering my sweet baby girl, stillborn, whom I had so many dreams and hopes for as a mother.

She was fully formed just as a tiny precious baby fully intact fingers, toes, face. But, sadly she would never take a breath here on earth outside from my womb, where she had been so alive, healthy, and active for several months. They think her umbilical cord got kinked and cut off her nutrition. It still doesn't make sense at times, but this is what we are left to deal with.

I won't go into all the details of the delivery for now. But it was the hardest thing I will probably ever have to endure, and of course the hardest thing by far that I have ever been faced with at this point in my life. We held her, we cried, I kissed her tiny little feet. And, my soul began to ache deeper than I ever knew possible that day, and still aches so deeply today.

I am known as a "strong" woman. I have completed an Ironman, I am tough, I don't cry much in public, I like to be happy go lucky, I like to think I handle most things somewhat gracefully. But, this has changed all of that for me.

At first, I thought I could just fight through this, check all the steps of the grieving process off, and leave it behind me. Well, I quickly found that I was not strong enough for this on my own. It was way too BIG, and it has been so scary, coming to this realization.

I am a little "OCD" and "Perfectionistic/Overachieving" at times. So, I read 5 books on grieving the death of your baby. While many parts of all of them were helpful and insightful, I realized that this reading/processing would unfortunately not take away the pain or sadness, it would not make me "better faster." I was going to have to ride these waves of this storm out, and there was no clear way to get back to shore by trying to "swim faster."

I have spent the last several months on the roller coaster of "hell" at times. At other times, I have felt the sweet comforting presence of God, friends, and family surrounding so tightly and so comfortably. I have days of many questions of God, days where I just don't think I can take much more. But, I have made it this far, and I have enough hope to know that God will somehow get me through this wilderness of sadness, despair, and utter confusion.

Some days I have truly felt as though I was going "crazy," losing my mind completely. This wasn't supposed to be. Other days, I feel the presence of God, and the striking clarity of life and what is truly important.

We hit our due date for Lily on August 13, 2010. So, after a period of feeling like I was doing pretty well this summer, we were hit with this sad reminder of our loss, and what might have been. But, we made it through the day, and have continued to experience joys and pain of everyday life since then. We don't have other children, so at times we feel lost, without a clear purpose. We had spent so many months getting excited about becoming new parents and raising Lily here on earth with us, our family, and our friends. The days are confusing at times, but routines re-surface, jobs continue, and we see that we can find some sense of rhythm in this day to day life even with the uncertainty of what our future might bring.

Parts of me feel more peace coming each day, despite the really tough days. I have hope at times of what the future might bring for us, and I feel a quiet peace. It doesn't stay full time in my soul, but it feels so soothing, after all these months of pain. I hope I can hang on to this hope and and faith, or at least wake up each day and ask God to help me find it once again.

And, I want to be truly honest about how I have gone about achieving this peace. Not in my old Kristina way, of "being tough, digging my heels in, working harder, doing it on my own. " No, I have been on my knees, helpless and only raised from my weakness by letting my friends help me, letting my family love me, growing more deeply in my marriage with Ted, and pleading desparately with God. I have also attended many hours of professional counseling as well as a support group. I want to admit, that though I am known for always wearing a "smile," and being pretty "strong"....I am not as strong as people might think, and I am truly grateful for all the people that have walked this journey with me.

My favorite verses growing up have been coming back to me, and I have been wrestling with one passage in particular. It used to make me think of running, suffering in marathons, completing Ironmans, building character in every day life. But, now facing something so Big, it is a little more difficult to grasp it so whole heartedly. This experience is way Bigger than either of my Ironman, way Bigger than most things I could have imagined. But, if I let the words seep into my soul, I can hold onto their truth and promise.

Phil 3:10-14
"I want to know Christ and the Power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the Resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Ironman Devotion from Mom

-I was just updating my blog thinking about the various events of the past few months in my life. Then, I browsed the blogs of several of my friends. I had some funny thoughts in the process about how my blog seems kinda silly in some ways, filled with pictures of me running and doing triathlons. Most of my friends are writing about the joys of their children and their daily discoveries. As much as I love training and racing, my blog seems a little more self-centered than most of my other friends who are at a different stage in their lives. Anyway, my mom sent me this devotion the other day, and it inspired me to think about my faith and really think about shaping my character with these races and events that I focus on. I feel in some ways God has enlightened some self-discoveries and helped me to become a better person in these past several months of training and in these moments I feel at peace with my current focus. However, I know this is not a permanent phase in my life. In some ways, I look forward to the day of possibly posting pictures of my own children and their events rather than pages and pages of my own race stories. BUT-for now I don't have kids, and I truly do feel my training and racing can produce life changing character in me if I allow God to do so. It is a delicate balance though. Of course I am competitive, of course I get obsessed about my next event, and in some ways this is how God made me...but in the grand scheme of life, there are much grander things to focus on. I hope that as I train to complete my Ironman, that I can think about some life parallels that are more important than my next race. I hope that God can use these experiences to help me for whatever the next phase in life will bring. For now, I will enjoy checking all the cute pics of my friend's kids and continue to be more than a bit "obsessive" about my upcoming challenge of the Ironman, my gear, and my competitive nature. But, as my mom's devotion lays out a beautiful prayer below, may it be my prayer for suffering in competition as well as my prayer for life after Ironman training. May any suffering I endure, produce endurance, character, and ultimately Hope, as I continue on in my journey of life.

Here is the entire devotion that my mom sent:
"Read Romans 5:1-5

Paul’s poetic logic goes like this:

Rejoice in suffering,
Since suffering produces endurance,
Which produces character
Which produces hope.

We once thought that Paul’s poetic words were really more rhetoric than reality. Beautiful, but more lines of poetry than means of production. Then we became distance runners. And in distance running we found that Paul describes a basic dynamic of life, the actual dynamic of human growth. Suffering – putting in the miles – really does produce endurance. And when you have built endurance, it changes your character. And the new renewed character does produce hope.

Some disciplined and joyful runners who inspired us often ran rejoicing in their sufferings. Paul, Porter, and Terrell would call out, perhaps five or even ten miles into a run, “I feel happy! I feel healthy! I feel terrific!” Their enthusiasm was contagious.

One of the most surprising scenes of hope and joy is an Ironman Triathlon finish line. After 2.4 miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, and 26.2 miles of running, triathletes finish with huge smiles. The suffering has produced endurance that produces character, which produces hope.

One of us coaches cross country; the other runs cross country. High school students struggle to run at 6:00 AM before school. Some come and stick with it. Others do not. The difference so often between those who keep on running and those who don’t is learning to rejoice in the suffering, to rejoice in the effort that eventually leads to hope. And hope does not disappoint us, “because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.”

PRAYER: O God who goes the distance, help us embrace the suffering, knowing that you will transform it into endurance into character into hope – and your hope does not disappoint. Amen."

By Roy and John Herron