Saturday Saga

This is just a funny story for your reading pleasure.  I was telling my good buddy Andrea a few weeks ago, that I wanted to lighten up my blog a bit in the New Year, at least occasionally.  It has been therapeutic to write about my struggles after losing Lily, but sometimes I go back and read it, and it has some pretty heavy stuff.  I am generally pretty happy go lucky, running around like a chicken, and doing a lot of really random silly stuff in the process.  The reality of tragedy changed that for a while.  But, I love those days when chaos, fun, or just plain normal craziness surface in my day to day adventures helping me feel a little more like we have overcome some of the hardest days of our tragedy.  I will always remember Lily, and the loss, and it has truly changed me.  But, it has also helped me try to lighten up day to day and just go with the flow a little, knowing that we just don't know what might happen tomorrow, and we might as well do our best to appreciate all of today, no matter what the day brings.


So, I have been meaning to post a silly story from last Saturday.   I will try not to make it too long, but here goes.

Sat. 10:15 AM - we arrived at our friend's house for a little retreat gathering with friends from our church.  I had a few food items, and bags to carry in, was chatting with Ted in the process. So grabbed everything from the car, and headed inside.
10:20 - we are getting settled inside.  I have a thought "I can't find my cell phone"  I look, and it is not in my purse, I think "It is probably out in the car, or maybe even on top of the car, maybe I should go check..."
10:21... or less than 30 seconds later, I get distracted by something, start blabbering, and forget all about it..
A FEW HOURS LATER - still there, having  a grand discussion, then eating lunch with friends, I have a tiny thought "Oh yeah, still don't know where my phone is...hope it is in the car"
2:15 PM - Ted & I go out to leave, I am chatting about "What a beautiful day it is, and how we should go do something outdoors and enjoy it.."  We both just climb in the car, and I take off driving.
2:20 PM - I hear a "thunk" as I am entering the on ramp to the George Bush Turnpike, rambling a replay of our time with friends as Ted listens patiently.  So, I look in the rear view mirror and say "What was that?" "Did I run over something?"  Ted says, "I don't know?"  I see a small black object bounce back in the distance, it looks small, cars behind me, so I just keep driving, all seems ok I think...
2:35 PM - we are 10 miles away back near our house at LBJ & Skillman, and I say "where is my phone?"  "I forgot, I never found my phone....then "Oh  S#** (please God forgive my foul language in this moment)  that was my phone on the car, and it flew off..."  Ted then says he guesses we should go back to retrieve it, because even if it is destroyed, in order to get a new one... it might help to have the destructed one to explain..
2:50 PM - we arrive all the way back in North East Richardson, and pull slowly onto the ramp, we start arguing about how I need to slow down and how I don't think it is safe to stop here, and Ted then yells "STOP" just as I almost smash right over the thing...  He jumps out quickly retrieves the blasted phone (My New Android, not cheap, just given to me by my sweet mother about 6 months ago, My first "SMART" Phone :)  It was still INTACT!!! But, the screen was more than SHATTERED!  He jumped in and we headed home again, for the 2nd time! Ted laughs and says,"I guess you will be heading to the Verizon store."

Then, 2 Verizon stores later and about 20 more miles of driving, I was able to replace my "SMART" phone, with a new version and a little cheaper, "SMART" phone.  I had all this internal stress in the process, thinking maybe I did not deserve another "SMART" phone.   How stupid I felt, how we are trying to save money, starting a "financial peace" class, and now I have gone off and left my expensive phone on top of my car and unfortunately found that it cannot sustain life after a crash traveling at 50 + MPH and bouncing on the asphalt.  I would love to say that ANDROID was paying me money to do destructive crash testing, but unfortunately, it was just another Saga of a day to add to my long list of "Unfortunate Happenings."  And, my sweet husband, recalled at least 3-4 other recent "Kristina Classics" as we drove along to refresh my memory, and help me feel even better about myself :) ...

I will say, that my friend Emily had given an example earlier on this same day, of how sometimes God provides a need in our times of crisis, maybe even in the "exact" $$ money amount we desperately need sometimes, and it causes a major "WOW" moment in our lives.  Well, after some negotiating at the Verizon store, they were able to find me a way to change our contract, buy a new phone for $108 and get a rebate for $100.  So, although I lost the rest of my "beautiful" day dealing with this Saga, I ended up down a total of only $8 at the end of the day, It was definitely a "WOW" moment for me.  God did provided, and with some personal commitment to our new goal to "save" money... he rescued me, even in my moment of stupidity and irresponsibility!  Yes, I know God will not always rescue us in times of trial, I have that testament from all of last year.  But, when we pay attention to even these $100 moments, it is so amazing how  he works at times!  So, thank you God, for saving me in my moment of Irresponsibility!  We now have a new rule in the Martin House, Kristina is not allowed to place any items cheap or expensive on top of her car, at anytime!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything."   James 1:2-4

Have a Wonderful Weekend,

A New Year - Bring it on for the Martins!

2011 - Here we Go,  A New Journey Lies Ahead!

‎"... But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

I actually really love the start of a New Year! And, to be honest, I am less than sad to see 2010 go, and that chapter of our lives behind us.  It was a tough year to say the least.  But, we survived, and look forward to a brighter future ahead.  2011 doesn't have to be filled with spectacular events, I just want things to be a little smoother and less painful than 2010!  So, I look forward to a fresh start as we turn the pages of the calendar ahead and start a New Year.

I am not crazy about setting 100 resolutions or anything like that, because I am often disappointed by week two when I have broken them.  But, I have had some things on my heart recently that have been interesting.  I shared them with a friend recently as we made my "list" for 2011, and even put it in paper.  It is much different from many of my past lists, but is is intriguing me a bit to see where God will take me this next year.  I almost feel God asking me to be "open" willing to "listen" to his voice and follow his direction.  So, I will share this list with you, knowing that God may change his will, or my direction, but these are some things on my heart for now that I am looking forward to in the next year possibly trying...

1.  Go on a "Mission Trip" - Have just spoken to my dear friend Autumn, and she could easily help me get to Haiti, Honduras, possibly Ecuador, or Africa
2.  Go on a "Spiritual Retreat," possibly a "quiet" retreat.  I generally talk ALOT, so for me to go on a "quiet" retreat would definitely take some divine intervention to get me through!  But, I am hoping that it will help calm my anxious heart and mind, and quiet some of the "noise" I feel right now.  I think getting away and "slowing" down "being still" and yes, even "quiet" might be very good for me!  I have a place I am looking into that my friend Andrea told me about, so looking forward to making this happen.
3.  "More Financial Peace." Ted & I have been very blessed financially, but we a few areas that we would like to take care of, and knowing that we were already planning, and still hope to have a family one day.  We have the goal to be better stewards of our resources in the year to come.  Holly is recruiting us for the Dave Ramsey series, so we are seriously considering and likely going to start the series with them in a couple of weeks, which I think will be good for us.
4.  "Volunteer" with a Boys and Girl's club.  I have always loved hanging out with children of all ages, and I used to be a basketball and soccer player for most of my life.  I have many great memories of playing these sports with various groups of children and it being such a blessing for me.  I attended a basketball game on Christmas day, and the players were honoring many children for the boys and girl's club.  When I saw all the kids come out, I started to really "cry"  which is funny, since at other times, I have so much difficulty expressing true emotion.  But, others like my husband, know that I am really a true "sap" on the inside.  Anyway, when I had that feeling come over me, I knew I needed to remember that moment, and try to really make an effort to volunteer some time with some children in need in the upcoming year!
5.  "Organize and Dump"  I have this internal stress about the "junk" that we accumulate at times.  And, I don't like the feeling of our house feeling "disorderly" when our lives get really busy.  Other times I am literally disgusted by the American habit of "accumulating" gadgets, electronics, books, clothes, etc.. when there are others around the globe who have so little.  Anyway, this is probably a life long goal for me, that will never be quite "completed" in my mind.  But, in taking after the book "The Happiness Project."  I actually think spending the rest of January on this goal, will be beneficial.  There is a freeing aspect of getting rid of unnecessary "clutter" and feeling a little more "organized" at times.  So, I think I will start with this goal first.
6. "Hope" for a Family still to come.  I don't know for sure what God's plans are.  But, I hope that having a family is still in the cards for us.  So far, we have ruled out most complications that would really relate the two losses with some testing we have completed.  So, there is still great hope for us to have our own children.  It may be that the Stillbirth and loss of Lily was indeed caused by the cord problem, and the second miscarriage, was just an early miscarriage that anyone could have had.  The two losses were more than difficult to overcome.  But, we try to maintain our hope in the upcoming year, that even if the year doesn't bring a child before 2012 rings in, that we will see more clearly his purposes and be on the road hopefully closer to becoming parents again.
7.  "Run"  a Half Marathon.  So, I did run a Marathon in 2010, despite the tough year that it was, I was glad to do it for myself and to honor Lily.  However, I did say out loud to my husband, next time if I have some "emotional stress/trauma"  I think I will just try for a "Half Marathon" race.  So, for 2011, following up on the recent miscarriage and 2nd loss in November.  I have decided to do a "Half Marathon."  So, thankful for my running friends who have me well on my way to this goal, as Andrea and I already did a "half marathon" 13.1 mile training run last weekend.  As always, running is therapy, it is stress relief, it is me, and what I love.  So thankful that I have running in my life.  So, next step, signing up for a Half Marathon race for February!

So, I will start the year with these aspirations on my mind, trusting that God will lead me on his path to fulfilling these, or help me to see more clearly what his plans are instead for me as the days unfold.  I feel a bit of a sense of excitement as I used to feel in my younger years of the endless possibilities that may lie ahead, hopefully it will overcome the fear that often overtakes me of worry about what bad things might happen instead.  I must know that even in the painful times that may lie ahead, we are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful friends, a wonderful church family, and great communities/friends in our jobs.  Sometimes, when you go through tough times you are blinded in amazement with what you really have to be thankful for, that we often don't see in the business of daily life, providing comfort and light ahead in every direction.  But, on the days that I can see this more clearly, it is truly more than AMAZING!

May I take quiet times, to continue to be still, listen for God's voice, and be patient in periods of "waiting"  as I look forward to the continued coming and unfolding of this New Year.  Bring it on for the Martins!  We are glad you are here! Now let's really get Running and see where God will lead us on this journey! 

Happy New Year,

The Village brings Hope

"The Christmas tree represents hope and the desire for a good harvest or prosperous year." 

I like this quote, because I have been enjoying some quiet moments recently, sitting quietly, staring at the lights on my Christmas tree.  Ted has even laughed as he has found me sitting with my dogs just staring at the tree in a quiet, otherwise dark room, on more than one occasion. I find a sense of peace staring into the lights and do feel a sense of longing for hope in my soul. 

Today is a day full of hope, and this hope started building in my soul over the weekend.  It was a nice weekend with some joy in holiday parties, laughter with good friends, and topped off with a great gathering with some wonderful ladies on Sunday night.

 I made a comment at the women's study on Sunday night that made me realize a wonderful thing.  I stated that it is amazing how we can often feel the presence of great people surrounding us in our darkest times, and sometimes the most unexpected events align to bring a little joy, despite the questioning and agony that still come with other unexplained circumstances.  And, although the pain may still be there, it brings a great sense of hope and peace.  I stopped on Sunday when I made the comment, and realized the presence of God was surrounding me, even when so many things are difficult to grasp at this time.

I am actually overwhelmed if I think about the village that surrounds me at times, that carries me through each minute, each day, each week.  And, today I look up and realize that I have alot to be thankful for in the midst of my painful times and the waiting that I am currently having to endure.

God sends people and orchestrates events, often not what we are expecting at our greatest times of need.  And, if I can stop to look around, it is so amazing to realize all the people and events that continue to bring me peace even in the midst of difficult times.

Yes, I have had some rough days again, been a little crazy if you asked Ted.   But, I continue to move forward with so many wonderful people carrying me along. I still so deeply wish to have a child one day, and my heart aches for the loss of Lily and this more recent loss on top of it all.  But, I do feel a sense of peace when I stop and recount all of the wonderful people and events that have occurred in the last few weeks.

Here is a long list that comes to mind:
- 4 dear Friends coordinating schedules with each other, dropping everything to come and sit with me in the day after our 2nd loss, so Ted could spend some time away with a friend
-A random night, with others not being able to make a study, ending up with a great one on one visit with my Pastor's wife, a great woman and friend.  What a blessing it was to have her over,with my husband out of town, and for her gift of listening and encouragement, even though the original event had not worked out.
- A friend meeting me for dinner who has also lost a baby to stillbirth, and then accompanying me to our church for an advent grief service
- A pastor having a grief service this holiday season, when for two weeks, I had been telling people, even my counselor, that I felt so "numb" that it was difficult, I wished I could "feel" more, something....
-Going to this service and stepping forward to the alter, tears streaming down, touched by healing hands, marked with the cross, anointed with oil, tears still streaming down.  Feeling God's presence surrounding me and being so thankful for this quiet time, I so desperately needed... the numbness lifting..
-A wonderful mom sitting next to me during the service just hugging me as I continued to cry
- A great friend meeting me for breakfast and sharing her grief of a recent loss, us sharing our stories and struggles, and trying to make sense of it all.
- A triathlon coach and dear friend, meeting with me, and writing me a training schedule to help give me a sense of purpose for now, while I am stuck in this period of waiting.  But, encouraging me to keep hope for having children, and helping me find a healthy balance for now.
- A nurse, a friend, and a chaplain, who have been meeting with me once a month since we lost Lily, who have helped me so much. 
-Running into an old soccer buddy at Central Market on Sunday, and her mentioning her sadness over us losing Lily, even though we have not seen each other in more than a year or two, sharing our recent life stories.
-Running my first run again after another loss with my dear friend, then making it a week later around the lake for a loop for the first time "again", with her encouragement every step of the way.
-A husband who stands by my side even on the toughest days, always giving me the security that he is sticking with this and me, even when things reach some of their toughest points.  His quiet sense of peace in my most anxious times, brings comfort to my soul.
-There have been many other countless messages from friends, friends understanding when I have to cancel plans, because I sometimes just don't feel up to "big" outings.  So many wonderful people and events that have really helped me through the last few weeks.

All of these wonderful events and people, the whole village that surrounds me, have brought me to today, a day that has been a truly wonderful day, that has made me feel back in my "Kristina" groove!  Even if it is just "one" day, it feels great!  Last week was really rough, but today was a great day, and for now I will make the choice, to feel so grateful for this day, and for all the wonderful people that have brought me to a place that would allow such joy and peace.

I didn't win the lottery, I didn't hear the results of my testing yet, I didn't have any out of the ordinary accomplishments.  I still don't know for sure if we will ever be able to have our own children.  But, between the normal daily events of work, my patients, working out, and interactions with my husband, actual happy anticipation of Christmas, and more of a glimmer of joy in my soul, it was truly a wonderful day.

May we all feel the presence of God and others around us in our most difficult times.  May I be a light to shine on others as so many have shined hope upon me.  May we gather together as a village and community to carry each other and surround each other through all the journeys that lie ahead.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry. "Abba, Father."  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - Romans 8:14

God Bless,

So We Wait...

November has been a hard month, but once again we have survived tough times.  I was 9 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately just recently lost the baby.  Friday, November 19, just the week before Turkey day, we found out there was no heart beat after having a sonogram with a good strong heartbeat just the Monday before.   I went in that Friday evening and had a D&C, so they could do some testing on the tissue.   It is all a bit shocking, but not near as devastating as losing Lily at 24 weeks.  The combination of the two losses is of course devastating, and a huge blow to my confidence in the idea of actually having a healthy child one day.  Statistically speaking the odds of having an early miscarriage are pretty high, at least 25%.  I was just hoping to escape the odds in light of everything else we had gone through this year, but realistically, this is not really how things work with statistics.  We will go through some other testing, to see if there is anything else going on with me and my body, before trying this all for the third time.  Yes, most will say, surely this wouldn't happen again, but with our track record, I am losing faith a bit, and getting a little more leery. So, we wait for a new plan.

I have a good life, I have a great husband, a wonderful family, and many amazing friends.  I have been blessed to do some wonderful things in my life so far.  I have traveled a good bit, pushed my body to the limits, learned some valuable lessons, and overall I have experienced alot of fun along the way.  All of this time,  I have felt being a bit of  a driven person, that I was somewhat in control.  Well, I am learning more and more, that this simply isn't the case.  Sometimes, the things we want most, are the things we have the least control over.  So, we wait, we keep our faith, we try to keep our priorities in check, and we try to learn the beauty of truly living life one day at a time, not worrying or stressing about tomorrow.  Having faith to know that we will be able to handle whatever tomorrow will bring.  And, holding on to hope that we may very well get the very desires of our heart, maybe not in our timetable or how we planned, but there is still hope for our future.  So we wait.

Remembering Lily

This Sunday is All Saints Sunday, and I was so excited to receive a letter in the mail from our church the other day that they would be honoring our sweet Lily.  This is what the letter said:

"Each year on All Saints Sunday, we remember the Saints of King of Glory who have died this past year and who now rest with our Lord.  During the worship services on Sunday, November 7, 2010, as we gratefully remember little Lily Rene', a white rose will be placed in a vase in her memory.

I will be keeping you in my prayers, and pray that in the midst of your sorrow, you will be able to picture your daughter with our Lord, in whose name we were promised new life with Him."

So, I have decided to add a couple prayers from my brother and a letter I previously wrote, to honor her this week of All Saints Sunday.  We are so thankful and feel so blessed to have a wonderful loving church community that is remembering her and honoring her without us even having to ask. 

Here are two prayers my brother gave me (I am just now really at a point where I can pray them more whole heartedly, and truly find peace in their messages):

Prayer for Commendation

Lily, Child of God, we entrust you to the arms of God's Mercy.

Almight God, who formed us all out of the dust of the earth, receive you in peace.

Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care.

God, the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bear you to life in god's new creation.

May you dwell forever in the paradise of God.

Amen

Prayer for Hope and God's Love

Heavenly Father, your love for all children is strong and enduring.  We were not able to know Lily as we hoped.  Yet, you knew her growing in Kristina's womb, and she is not lost to you.  In the midst of our sadness, we thank you that Lily is with you now, and with you forever.



And, here is a letter I wrote to her in the midst of my grieving, that was helpful in trying to put words to the immense love and lost hopes and dreams that we have for her as her parents:

Baby Lily Rene’,

I am so sad to have lost you my sweet baby girl.  I hope you know how much Ted & I love you and will always love you.  I felt a close bond with you in my womb, and so enjoyed your presence with me for those 6 months we had together.  I treasured the pictures I saw of you, and the last one at 20 weeks where you were so active and moving and kicking around in my tummy will forever be in my mind.  I am so sad you had to leave us so soon.  I am sorry you did not get to grow up here on earth with us. 

I am sorry that I only got to hold you just one time one day here on earth with me.  I wish I could have heard you cry, coo, babble, and eventually learn to talk.  You were precious with your tiny feet and tiny hands, your cute ears, and your long legs.   I would have loved cuddling with you and hugging and kissing you every day as a little baby here with me.  I wish I could have watched you grow and learn here in this world with me.  I miss that we didn’t get to read stories together and have prayers together.

I wanted to learn all the joys and struggles of being a first time mommy with you.  I wanted to feed you and change you, and learn how to best meet your needs.  I am sad without you here with me.

 I am sorry you didn’t get to meet all of the little babies that are being born to our friends  Jake , Levi, and Luke, and a few others already here and on the way.  You guys were all supposed to grow up together in our church family.  Their parents loved you dearly and will miss you as well. 

You will always be our first born child and we will never forget you.  You have two grandmothers and a grandfather who held you and love you very much.  We wish we could have had more time with you as a family.

I will always wonder what you would have looked like growing up, how your personality would have developed and all the adventures you would have experienced with us.  I wish we could have done so many things as a family.  I would have run you many miles in a jogging stroller, we would have loved to have taken you camping and on many adventures in the outdoors. 

I hope you will always know how much we love you and how much we miss you.  I hope that God is holding you tight and comforting you in heaven.  I hope you are safe and living in eternity.  I hope for the day when we will get to meet again.

Love,

Your Mommy

May we all take moments in our busy lives to remember those loved ones lost to us here on earth.  May God help comfort our deep sorrows, and may we trust that they are with our Lord entrusted to his care.

Stopping to Catch my Breath

This is a beautiful letter I read in a devotion this morning, it was uplifting for me, so I hope it can bring comfort and encouragement to others:

"Beloved,
Celebrate all that you are, all that you are becoming! The radiant beauty of your smile is a reflection of the light that is glowing within you.  Let your light shine for all to see and know that you are a source of both comfort and joy for others.  Your life is a manificent journey---a spiritual journey in which you will discover what you are capable of achieving.  Always be the best you can be, do the best you are capable of doing.  When you do, you truly will be celebrating life.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you all the way.  Let My love be a healing balm that gently soothes you.  Rest assured that with every step you take, you are walking a path that will lead you to great and greater accomplishments."

"The Darknes is passing away and the true light is already shining" -1John 2:8

Well, I can't quite figure out what happened to October, but wow it is leaving me behind and November and the Holidays are facing me full speed ahead, and nothing can slow them down.  I am a person that often finds myself running around in circles, sprinting, and dashing all over the place trying to keep up with my busy life.  It is funny right now when it returns to that hectic place, because when I stop and think about it, I really don't have too much to complain about or be stressed about.  I am just  a "go" "go" "go" girl, and I am constantly having to tell myself to stop, take a rest, and catch my breath for awhile.

Well, today is finally a great day of rest for me.  I am sitting here on my back patio typing and enjoying a beautiful morning off work from the hospital.  I apologize for this long gap in posting after sending a message to everyone that I was off to Portland to do a marathon, and then just providing silence for these past 3 weeks.  I honestly don't know how those 3 weeks escaped me so quickly.

Anyway, we made it to Portland.  It was a great vacation!  The marathon was a great experience, I did finish!  But, I will be honest, it was a tough one for me.  But, it was number 13, so maybe I can use the excuse, that it was just "unlucky" # 13 for me.  Others might be thinking, what the heck are you thinking doing 13 marathons anyway?? 

Well, it started out well.  I was a little emotional in the beginning.  Part of me was excited, I was able to think about what all had happened in the past several months.  I felt a bit of a sense of joy and peace that I had made it through the tough days and months, continued on in the journey, and arrived there at the starting line of a marathon.  Even in light of the pain and struggle we went through, I also recognize, that I am truly blessed with my health, a great family, and a supportive husband, who walked me in the cold rain that morning to get me to the start line that day.

 I cried a little as the race started, the beginning is a bit exhilarating no matter how many I do.  But, I also felt this surge of mixed emotions sad and happy, thinking about our baby Lily, and wanting to honor her.  Then, to be honest there was a little part of me that was thinking, "Holy cow I have decided to run another whole marathon....here goes, we have a long way to go today!"  And a little bit of "Why did I decide to do yet another one of these crazy things??" 

Anyway, I won't go into all the details, but I ran pretty steady not real fast for me, but not too slow for the first half.  Then, by mile 13 and 14, I was feeling pretty crappy.  My legs were cramping, I was pretty cold, and my body was just feeling a little "off."  So, I just had one of those days when things didn't go as planned, and the new plan became, "just make it to the next mile", "just make to the next water stop", "you can make to 17", "trot your way to 20", "now just keep waddling to 23", and "just grin and bear it/quit being such baby, gut out these last 3 miles", and lastly "finish this Darn thing"!  SO, with each of these mini goals, one at a time, I gutted it out, and waddled on through the finish.  I will be honest, even after completing 12 other marathons, and two Ironman, I did have a couple moments when I wanted to "quit"  wondered if I should visit the "medical tent" (maybe as an excuse :)  But, when I was able to get inside my own head and try to realize some of the things that were most frustrating, such as feeling so slow, I remembered that speed was not why I showed up that day, and some obsessions related to my previous hard core racing days, were not important that day either.  Once I reminded myself of these things, and got over my pride a bit, I realized I just needed to keep going, not for anyone else, but for myself. 

So, I finally made it to the finish, yes a little disappointed in having a pretty "poor" race in my book.  But, I was proud of myself for finishing, and for trying to keep hold of my own personal purposes and reasons for being there.  With those in clear focus, I knew a finish that day was a truly amazing accomplishment for me, and I allowed myself to carry the big grin that I love to wear, and feel truly proud that I had even made it to the start, and then battled it out to the finish! 

The journey we walked and seemingly crawled at times over the summer and fall after losing our baby, was very similar in alot of ways to the race that day. We were tired, weary, frustrated, and just wanted to quit at times.  But, we got through the days one day at a time, and finally just as many promised, the days finally started getting much easier.  About the time of the marathon earlier this month, is also the time in my life when I was feeling we had truly come more close to being "finished" with the toughest parts of our journey. I feel truly greatful for God, many great people, and some hard core determination keeping us moving forward to brighter days ahead.

Some days you just have to gut it out, allow yourself to struggle, feel a little slower than normal, and be proud more of the journey and growth that come along the way.  After these periods of struggle, it is so nice to feel the joy of victory, wear your personal medal of honor proudly, and then take some time to just rest and allow yourself to catch your breath!

God Bless,

Running on Faith, Friends, Good Coffee, and heading to Portland!

Well, after a somewhat low point in my journey a couple of weeks ago, I am happy to report, some better spirits, and some fun events for me on the horizon.  When I lost Lily in the late spring, I felt lost, and frustrated at being out of shape from the pregnancy, especially since I didn't have a baby at home, to make it all seem more worthwhile.

 So, I needed a goal, something to keep me busy, and something to help me get back in shape!  So, just like any other normal human being would do, I simply signed up for a marathon :)  If you don't know my history, see post from 2 years ago, "Morning Marathon Confessions."  Anyway, I have a history, maybe even slight "addiction" for signing up for crazy events.   In some ways, I knew it would be a good thing to help keep me occupied for the summer and fall.  I also decided in the back of my mind, it could in a sense, be something I could do in honor of Lily, before consuming myself and focus with thoughts of having other children.  I remember sending an email to my old triathlon coach and one of my best training buddies back in May, announcing that my "next phase" of "therapy" was now beginning, "My Running."  The doctor had cleared me to run two weeks after I delivered, so I quickly signed up for a Marathon, and rushed out to buy a new pair of running shoes!

So, the training began for the Portland Marathon  to take place 10/10/10....The training started out pretty well in June and July.  I had some good therapeutic chats and long runs with my friend Andrea, getting up to 18 miles pretty quickly by July.  When August rolled around, I was still on track, hitting a 20 miler around the second week of August.

Then, the rest of August,  I struggled a bit with my training.  I was honestly sick of the scorching heat and humidity in Dallas, and honestly a little depressed as our due date hit in  mid-August.  The combination of the two, found me sleeping in a bit more, and cutting my runs a little short.  Before I knew it, September was rolling around, and I was not sure what I was going to do about this race.  I felt torn, part of me really wanted to complete the race, but part of me just wanted to forget about it.  I had this other struggle with trying not to get too obsessed with this race, and trying to have a little fun (since I had spent two years of my life racing and obsessing about my racing performances for the Ironman, etc.). Well, that little fun this summer, became more and more fun, as I would drop everything and take off to the lake with various friends, skipping my long runs a few weekends, but having a grand time at the lake :) And, overall, I really enjoyed trying not to make the marathon my main focus.  But, it was a struggle keeping it balanced devoting enough energy to the training, but keeping priorities and focus on other more important things as well at the time.

Well, long story short, I got back to my more consistent training mid-September as the weather was cooler, and as I started my "New Season" personally.  I gave myself an ultimatum, that I needed to get another 20 miler in ASAP, or this marathon was going to be pretty miserable, due to my lack of recent long runs.  So, on a rainy Saturday just 2 weeks ago, with my faithful friend Andrea, I headed out in the pouring rain and started our morning journey to get this long run done!  It turned out to be one of the first really cool days in Dallas, and the rain never really got too bad, just a steady constant rain.  It actually was so refreshing just running along with one of my best friends, sharing various stories of our life journeys, and splashing through the puddles along the way! Completing this 20 miler, I knew I would have to complete this marathon after all, and felt a relief to have completed at least one more solid long run. 

I say all of this just to be honest, that no matter how many races you have done as an athlete, recreational runner, or even completed an Ironman in my case, training can be a challenge for various reasons at different points along the way.  Life is complicated at times, sometimes we get a bit off track, and sometimes we just want to stop and give up when things get tough.  But, with a little faith, some good friends, and good old fashioned determination, we can overcome hardships, and meet our goals, despite difficult obstacles along the way.

I have been thinking a great deal about the last few weeks, and how I truly feel my spirits lifting overall, even in the midst of some really tough days. I keep feeling so thankful for some of the wonderful people I have in my life, that have so helped me through this journey of losing Lily.   I am also daily amazed at the wonderful encouragement that can come from unexpected people, situations, and even strangers.  I have to admit, even some of the comments I have received from long lost friends, various people who know me here in Dallas, and others who know my story or have read this blog, have meant so much to me.   These kind and comforting words have been so precious to me, and have come in such surprisingly and wonderful ways at times.

I still get sad at times, I still think of Lily often.  But, as I continue along the path and try to hold on to my faith and hope in God.  I  know that I will be able to keep running with my head up in this journey.  I feel my burdens a little lighter these days.  I am loving the crisp coolness in the Fall air right now, it is so refreshing to for my running and for my soul!  As the weather cools, I also more so enjoy the refreshing smell and taste of my morning coffee, to get me going each day.  I have felt such joy some mornings lately, knowing that I truly feel lighter and happier in my soul, feeling a slight sense of peace that has been missing for quite some time now, slowly returning in my everyday life.

So, I thank God for helping me keep my faith, for some truly amazing friends old and new, for some good doses of coffee and motivation, to keep me energized and feeling refreshed!  So, we will head to Portland on Thursday, and I am excited to know that I will be running the Marathon on Sunday 10/10/10.

 The picture above is of Multnomah falls, one of the "must-see" sights of pure beauty near Portland.  I am hoping to take a short hike there maybe Monday after the race :) I can't wait to enjoy some other wonders of nature and some good fun and adventure with Ted.  I think it will be so great for us to get away and just enjoy a relaxing vacation. And, in case you feel sorry for Ted traveling all the way to Portland, for yet another race of mine...Just know, that he has booked us on an Full day Fishing charter from Seattle, for the following Wednesday.  So, we are all about keeping things "fair" in our marriage for this trip.

So, I look forward to experiencing not "just another marathon" on Sunday, but a instead a special day to remember.  Hopefully, a day to enjoy, as I reflect on events and struggles of this past year.  I hope to feel a little bit thankful that I have made it this far since we lost Lily in April.  It has been a heck of hilly slow climb at times.  But we are still moving forward one step at a time.  I am learning more and more, life is about enjoying day to day moments and making the best of each day as we can, accepting that some days will be much tougher than others along the way, but trusting that with the help of God, we can keep running along the path that has been set forth for us, knowing that we are not alone.