The Village brings Hope

"The Christmas tree represents hope and the desire for a good harvest or prosperous year." 

I like this quote, because I have been enjoying some quiet moments recently, sitting quietly, staring at the lights on my Christmas tree.  Ted has even laughed as he has found me sitting with my dogs just staring at the tree in a quiet, otherwise dark room, on more than one occasion. I find a sense of peace staring into the lights and do feel a sense of longing for hope in my soul. 

Today is a day full of hope, and this hope started building in my soul over the weekend.  It was a nice weekend with some joy in holiday parties, laughter with good friends, and topped off with a great gathering with some wonderful ladies on Sunday night.

 I made a comment at the women's study on Sunday night that made me realize a wonderful thing.  I stated that it is amazing how we can often feel the presence of great people surrounding us in our darkest times, and sometimes the most unexpected events align to bring a little joy, despite the questioning and agony that still come with other unexplained circumstances.  And, although the pain may still be there, it brings a great sense of hope and peace.  I stopped on Sunday when I made the comment, and realized the presence of God was surrounding me, even when so many things are difficult to grasp at this time.

I am actually overwhelmed if I think about the village that surrounds me at times, that carries me through each minute, each day, each week.  And, today I look up and realize that I have alot to be thankful for in the midst of my painful times and the waiting that I am currently having to endure.

God sends people and orchestrates events, often not what we are expecting at our greatest times of need.  And, if I can stop to look around, it is so amazing to realize all the people and events that continue to bring me peace even in the midst of difficult times.

Yes, I have had some rough days again, been a little crazy if you asked Ted.   But, I continue to move forward with so many wonderful people carrying me along. I still so deeply wish to have a child one day, and my heart aches for the loss of Lily and this more recent loss on top of it all.  But, I do feel a sense of peace when I stop and recount all of the wonderful people and events that have occurred in the last few weeks.

Here is a long list that comes to mind:
- 4 dear Friends coordinating schedules with each other, dropping everything to come and sit with me in the day after our 2nd loss, so Ted could spend some time away with a friend
-A random night, with others not being able to make a study, ending up with a great one on one visit with my Pastor's wife, a great woman and friend.  What a blessing it was to have her over,with my husband out of town, and for her gift of listening and encouragement, even though the original event had not worked out.
- A friend meeting me for dinner who has also lost a baby to stillbirth, and then accompanying me to our church for an advent grief service
- A pastor having a grief service this holiday season, when for two weeks, I had been telling people, even my counselor, that I felt so "numb" that it was difficult, I wished I could "feel" more, something....
-Going to this service and stepping forward to the alter, tears streaming down, touched by healing hands, marked with the cross, anointed with oil, tears still streaming down.  Feeling God's presence surrounding me and being so thankful for this quiet time, I so desperately needed... the numbness lifting..
-A wonderful mom sitting next to me during the service just hugging me as I continued to cry
- A great friend meeting me for breakfast and sharing her grief of a recent loss, us sharing our stories and struggles, and trying to make sense of it all.
- A triathlon coach and dear friend, meeting with me, and writing me a training schedule to help give me a sense of purpose for now, while I am stuck in this period of waiting.  But, encouraging me to keep hope for having children, and helping me find a healthy balance for now.
- A nurse, a friend, and a chaplain, who have been meeting with me once a month since we lost Lily, who have helped me so much. 
-Running into an old soccer buddy at Central Market on Sunday, and her mentioning her sadness over us losing Lily, even though we have not seen each other in more than a year or two, sharing our recent life stories.
-Running my first run again after another loss with my dear friend, then making it a week later around the lake for a loop for the first time "again", with her encouragement every step of the way.
-A husband who stands by my side even on the toughest days, always giving me the security that he is sticking with this and me, even when things reach some of their toughest points.  His quiet sense of peace in my most anxious times, brings comfort to my soul.
-There have been many other countless messages from friends, friends understanding when I have to cancel plans, because I sometimes just don't feel up to "big" outings.  So many wonderful people and events that have really helped me through the last few weeks.

All of these wonderful events and people, the whole village that surrounds me, have brought me to today, a day that has been a truly wonderful day, that has made me feel back in my "Kristina" groove!  Even if it is just "one" day, it feels great!  Last week was really rough, but today was a great day, and for now I will make the choice, to feel so grateful for this day, and for all the wonderful people that have brought me to a place that would allow such joy and peace.

I didn't win the lottery, I didn't hear the results of my testing yet, I didn't have any out of the ordinary accomplishments.  I still don't know for sure if we will ever be able to have our own children.  But, between the normal daily events of work, my patients, working out, and interactions with my husband, actual happy anticipation of Christmas, and more of a glimmer of joy in my soul, it was truly a wonderful day.

May we all feel the presence of God and others around us in our most difficult times.  May I be a light to shine on others as so many have shined hope upon me.  May we gather together as a village and community to carry each other and surround each other through all the journeys that lie ahead.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry. "Abba, Father."  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - Romans 8:14

God Bless,

So We Wait...

November has been a hard month, but once again we have survived tough times.  I was 9 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately just recently lost the baby.  Friday, November 19, just the week before Turkey day, we found out there was no heart beat after having a sonogram with a good strong heartbeat just the Monday before.   I went in that Friday evening and had a D&C, so they could do some testing on the tissue.   It is all a bit shocking, but not near as devastating as losing Lily at 24 weeks.  The combination of the two losses is of course devastating, and a huge blow to my confidence in the idea of actually having a healthy child one day.  Statistically speaking the odds of having an early miscarriage are pretty high, at least 25%.  I was just hoping to escape the odds in light of everything else we had gone through this year, but realistically, this is not really how things work with statistics.  We will go through some other testing, to see if there is anything else going on with me and my body, before trying this all for the third time.  Yes, most will say, surely this wouldn't happen again, but with our track record, I am losing faith a bit, and getting a little more leery. So, we wait for a new plan.

I have a good life, I have a great husband, a wonderful family, and many amazing friends.  I have been blessed to do some wonderful things in my life so far.  I have traveled a good bit, pushed my body to the limits, learned some valuable lessons, and overall I have experienced alot of fun along the way.  All of this time,  I have felt being a bit of  a driven person, that I was somewhat in control.  Well, I am learning more and more, that this simply isn't the case.  Sometimes, the things we want most, are the things we have the least control over.  So, we wait, we keep our faith, we try to keep our priorities in check, and we try to learn the beauty of truly living life one day at a time, not worrying or stressing about tomorrow.  Having faith to know that we will be able to handle whatever tomorrow will bring.  And, holding on to hope that we may very well get the very desires of our heart, maybe not in our timetable or how we planned, but there is still hope for our future.  So we wait.

Remembering Lily

This Sunday is All Saints Sunday, and I was so excited to receive a letter in the mail from our church the other day that they would be honoring our sweet Lily.  This is what the letter said:

"Each year on All Saints Sunday, we remember the Saints of King of Glory who have died this past year and who now rest with our Lord.  During the worship services on Sunday, November 7, 2010, as we gratefully remember little Lily Rene', a white rose will be placed in a vase in her memory.

I will be keeping you in my prayers, and pray that in the midst of your sorrow, you will be able to picture your daughter with our Lord, in whose name we were promised new life with Him."

So, I have decided to add a couple prayers from my brother and a letter I previously wrote, to honor her this week of All Saints Sunday.  We are so thankful and feel so blessed to have a wonderful loving church community that is remembering her and honoring her without us even having to ask. 

Here are two prayers my brother gave me (I am just now really at a point where I can pray them more whole heartedly, and truly find peace in their messages):

Prayer for Commendation

Lily, Child of God, we entrust you to the arms of God's Mercy.

Almight God, who formed us all out of the dust of the earth, receive you in peace.

Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care.

God, the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bear you to life in god's new creation.

May you dwell forever in the paradise of God.

Amen

Prayer for Hope and God's Love

Heavenly Father, your love for all children is strong and enduring.  We were not able to know Lily as we hoped.  Yet, you knew her growing in Kristina's womb, and she is not lost to you.  In the midst of our sadness, we thank you that Lily is with you now, and with you forever.



And, here is a letter I wrote to her in the midst of my grieving, that was helpful in trying to put words to the immense love and lost hopes and dreams that we have for her as her parents:

Baby Lily Rene’,

I am so sad to have lost you my sweet baby girl.  I hope you know how much Ted & I love you and will always love you.  I felt a close bond with you in my womb, and so enjoyed your presence with me for those 6 months we had together.  I treasured the pictures I saw of you, and the last one at 20 weeks where you were so active and moving and kicking around in my tummy will forever be in my mind.  I am so sad you had to leave us so soon.  I am sorry you did not get to grow up here on earth with us. 

I am sorry that I only got to hold you just one time one day here on earth with me.  I wish I could have heard you cry, coo, babble, and eventually learn to talk.  You were precious with your tiny feet and tiny hands, your cute ears, and your long legs.   I would have loved cuddling with you and hugging and kissing you every day as a little baby here with me.  I wish I could have watched you grow and learn here in this world with me.  I miss that we didn’t get to read stories together and have prayers together.

I wanted to learn all the joys and struggles of being a first time mommy with you.  I wanted to feed you and change you, and learn how to best meet your needs.  I am sad without you here with me.

 I am sorry you didn’t get to meet all of the little babies that are being born to our friends  Jake , Levi, and Luke, and a few others already here and on the way.  You guys were all supposed to grow up together in our church family.  Their parents loved you dearly and will miss you as well. 

You will always be our first born child and we will never forget you.  You have two grandmothers and a grandfather who held you and love you very much.  We wish we could have had more time with you as a family.

I will always wonder what you would have looked like growing up, how your personality would have developed and all the adventures you would have experienced with us.  I wish we could have done so many things as a family.  I would have run you many miles in a jogging stroller, we would have loved to have taken you camping and on many adventures in the outdoors. 

I hope you will always know how much we love you and how much we miss you.  I hope that God is holding you tight and comforting you in heaven.  I hope you are safe and living in eternity.  I hope for the day when we will get to meet again.

Love,

Your Mommy

May we all take moments in our busy lives to remember those loved ones lost to us here on earth.  May God help comfort our deep sorrows, and may we trust that they are with our Lord entrusted to his care.

Stopping to Catch my Breath

This is a beautiful letter I read in a devotion this morning, it was uplifting for me, so I hope it can bring comfort and encouragement to others:

"Beloved,
Celebrate all that you are, all that you are becoming! The radiant beauty of your smile is a reflection of the light that is glowing within you.  Let your light shine for all to see and know that you are a source of both comfort and joy for others.  Your life is a manificent journey---a spiritual journey in which you will discover what you are capable of achieving.  Always be the best you can be, do the best you are capable of doing.  When you do, you truly will be celebrating life.  Do not be afraid, for I am with you all the way.  Let My love be a healing balm that gently soothes you.  Rest assured that with every step you take, you are walking a path that will lead you to great and greater accomplishments."

"The Darknes is passing away and the true light is already shining" -1John 2:8

Well, I can't quite figure out what happened to October, but wow it is leaving me behind and November and the Holidays are facing me full speed ahead, and nothing can slow them down.  I am a person that often finds myself running around in circles, sprinting, and dashing all over the place trying to keep up with my busy life.  It is funny right now when it returns to that hectic place, because when I stop and think about it, I really don't have too much to complain about or be stressed about.  I am just  a "go" "go" "go" girl, and I am constantly having to tell myself to stop, take a rest, and catch my breath for awhile.

Well, today is finally a great day of rest for me.  I am sitting here on my back patio typing and enjoying a beautiful morning off work from the hospital.  I apologize for this long gap in posting after sending a message to everyone that I was off to Portland to do a marathon, and then just providing silence for these past 3 weeks.  I honestly don't know how those 3 weeks escaped me so quickly.

Anyway, we made it to Portland.  It was a great vacation!  The marathon was a great experience, I did finish!  But, I will be honest, it was a tough one for me.  But, it was number 13, so maybe I can use the excuse, that it was just "unlucky" # 13 for me.  Others might be thinking, what the heck are you thinking doing 13 marathons anyway?? 

Well, it started out well.  I was a little emotional in the beginning.  Part of me was excited, I was able to think about what all had happened in the past several months.  I felt a bit of a sense of joy and peace that I had made it through the tough days and months, continued on in the journey, and arrived there at the starting line of a marathon.  Even in light of the pain and struggle we went through, I also recognize, that I am truly blessed with my health, a great family, and a supportive husband, who walked me in the cold rain that morning to get me to the start line that day.

 I cried a little as the race started, the beginning is a bit exhilarating no matter how many I do.  But, I also felt this surge of mixed emotions sad and happy, thinking about our baby Lily, and wanting to honor her.  Then, to be honest there was a little part of me that was thinking, "Holy cow I have decided to run another whole marathon....here goes, we have a long way to go today!"  And a little bit of "Why did I decide to do yet another one of these crazy things??" 

Anyway, I won't go into all the details, but I ran pretty steady not real fast for me, but not too slow for the first half.  Then, by mile 13 and 14, I was feeling pretty crappy.  My legs were cramping, I was pretty cold, and my body was just feeling a little "off."  So, I just had one of those days when things didn't go as planned, and the new plan became, "just make it to the next mile", "just make to the next water stop", "you can make to 17", "trot your way to 20", "now just keep waddling to 23", and "just grin and bear it/quit being such baby, gut out these last 3 miles", and lastly "finish this Darn thing"!  SO, with each of these mini goals, one at a time, I gutted it out, and waddled on through the finish.  I will be honest, even after completing 12 other marathons, and two Ironman, I did have a couple moments when I wanted to "quit"  wondered if I should visit the "medical tent" (maybe as an excuse :)  But, when I was able to get inside my own head and try to realize some of the things that were most frustrating, such as feeling so slow, I remembered that speed was not why I showed up that day, and some obsessions related to my previous hard core racing days, were not important that day either.  Once I reminded myself of these things, and got over my pride a bit, I realized I just needed to keep going, not for anyone else, but for myself. 

So, I finally made it to the finish, yes a little disappointed in having a pretty "poor" race in my book.  But, I was proud of myself for finishing, and for trying to keep hold of my own personal purposes and reasons for being there.  With those in clear focus, I knew a finish that day was a truly amazing accomplishment for me, and I allowed myself to carry the big grin that I love to wear, and feel truly proud that I had even made it to the start, and then battled it out to the finish! 

The journey we walked and seemingly crawled at times over the summer and fall after losing our baby, was very similar in alot of ways to the race that day. We were tired, weary, frustrated, and just wanted to quit at times.  But, we got through the days one day at a time, and finally just as many promised, the days finally started getting much easier.  About the time of the marathon earlier this month, is also the time in my life when I was feeling we had truly come more close to being "finished" with the toughest parts of our journey. I feel truly greatful for God, many great people, and some hard core determination keeping us moving forward to brighter days ahead.

Some days you just have to gut it out, allow yourself to struggle, feel a little slower than normal, and be proud more of the journey and growth that come along the way.  After these periods of struggle, it is so nice to feel the joy of victory, wear your personal medal of honor proudly, and then take some time to just rest and allow yourself to catch your breath!

God Bless,

Running on Faith, Friends, Good Coffee, and heading to Portland!

Well, after a somewhat low point in my journey a couple of weeks ago, I am happy to report, some better spirits, and some fun events for me on the horizon.  When I lost Lily in the late spring, I felt lost, and frustrated at being out of shape from the pregnancy, especially since I didn't have a baby at home, to make it all seem more worthwhile.

 So, I needed a goal, something to keep me busy, and something to help me get back in shape!  So, just like any other normal human being would do, I simply signed up for a marathon :)  If you don't know my history, see post from 2 years ago, "Morning Marathon Confessions."  Anyway, I have a history, maybe even slight "addiction" for signing up for crazy events.   In some ways, I knew it would be a good thing to help keep me occupied for the summer and fall.  I also decided in the back of my mind, it could in a sense, be something I could do in honor of Lily, before consuming myself and focus with thoughts of having other children.  I remember sending an email to my old triathlon coach and one of my best training buddies back in May, announcing that my "next phase" of "therapy" was now beginning, "My Running."  The doctor had cleared me to run two weeks after I delivered, so I quickly signed up for a Marathon, and rushed out to buy a new pair of running shoes!

So, the training began for the Portland Marathon  to take place 10/10/10....The training started out pretty well in June and July.  I had some good therapeutic chats and long runs with my friend Andrea, getting up to 18 miles pretty quickly by July.  When August rolled around, I was still on track, hitting a 20 miler around the second week of August.

Then, the rest of August,  I struggled a bit with my training.  I was honestly sick of the scorching heat and humidity in Dallas, and honestly a little depressed as our due date hit in  mid-August.  The combination of the two, found me sleeping in a bit more, and cutting my runs a little short.  Before I knew it, September was rolling around, and I was not sure what I was going to do about this race.  I felt torn, part of me really wanted to complete the race, but part of me just wanted to forget about it.  I had this other struggle with trying not to get too obsessed with this race, and trying to have a little fun (since I had spent two years of my life racing and obsessing about my racing performances for the Ironman, etc.). Well, that little fun this summer, became more and more fun, as I would drop everything and take off to the lake with various friends, skipping my long runs a few weekends, but having a grand time at the lake :) And, overall, I really enjoyed trying not to make the marathon my main focus.  But, it was a struggle keeping it balanced devoting enough energy to the training, but keeping priorities and focus on other more important things as well at the time.

Well, long story short, I got back to my more consistent training mid-September as the weather was cooler, and as I started my "New Season" personally.  I gave myself an ultimatum, that I needed to get another 20 miler in ASAP, or this marathon was going to be pretty miserable, due to my lack of recent long runs.  So, on a rainy Saturday just 2 weeks ago, with my faithful friend Andrea, I headed out in the pouring rain and started our morning journey to get this long run done!  It turned out to be one of the first really cool days in Dallas, and the rain never really got too bad, just a steady constant rain.  It actually was so refreshing just running along with one of my best friends, sharing various stories of our life journeys, and splashing through the puddles along the way! Completing this 20 miler, I knew I would have to complete this marathon after all, and felt a relief to have completed at least one more solid long run. 

I say all of this just to be honest, that no matter how many races you have done as an athlete, recreational runner, or even completed an Ironman in my case, training can be a challenge for various reasons at different points along the way.  Life is complicated at times, sometimes we get a bit off track, and sometimes we just want to stop and give up when things get tough.  But, with a little faith, some good friends, and good old fashioned determination, we can overcome hardships, and meet our goals, despite difficult obstacles along the way.

I have been thinking a great deal about the last few weeks, and how I truly feel my spirits lifting overall, even in the midst of some really tough days. I keep feeling so thankful for some of the wonderful people I have in my life, that have so helped me through this journey of losing Lily.   I am also daily amazed at the wonderful encouragement that can come from unexpected people, situations, and even strangers.  I have to admit, even some of the comments I have received from long lost friends, various people who know me here in Dallas, and others who know my story or have read this blog, have meant so much to me.   These kind and comforting words have been so precious to me, and have come in such surprisingly and wonderful ways at times.

I still get sad at times, I still think of Lily often.  But, as I continue along the path and try to hold on to my faith and hope in God.  I  know that I will be able to keep running with my head up in this journey.  I feel my burdens a little lighter these days.  I am loving the crisp coolness in the Fall air right now, it is so refreshing to for my running and for my soul!  As the weather cools, I also more so enjoy the refreshing smell and taste of my morning coffee, to get me going each day.  I have felt such joy some mornings lately, knowing that I truly feel lighter and happier in my soul, feeling a slight sense of peace that has been missing for quite some time now, slowly returning in my everyday life.

So, I thank God for helping me keep my faith, for some truly amazing friends old and new, for some good doses of coffee and motivation, to keep me energized and feeling refreshed!  So, we will head to Portland on Thursday, and I am excited to know that I will be running the Marathon on Sunday 10/10/10.

 The picture above is of Multnomah falls, one of the "must-see" sights of pure beauty near Portland.  I am hoping to take a short hike there maybe Monday after the race :) I can't wait to enjoy some other wonders of nature and some good fun and adventure with Ted.  I think it will be so great for us to get away and just enjoy a relaxing vacation. And, in case you feel sorry for Ted traveling all the way to Portland, for yet another race of mine...Just know, that he has booked us on an Full day Fishing charter from Seattle, for the following Wednesday.  So, we are all about keeping things "fair" in our marriage for this trip.

So, I look forward to experiencing not "just another marathon" on Sunday, but a instead a special day to remember.  Hopefully, a day to enjoy, as I reflect on events and struggles of this past year.  I hope to feel a little bit thankful that I have made it this far since we lost Lily in April.  It has been a heck of hilly slow climb at times.  But we are still moving forward one step at a time.  I am learning more and more, life is about enjoying day to day moments and making the best of each day as we can, accepting that some days will be much tougher than others along the way, but trusting that with the help of God, we can keep running along the path that has been set forth for us, knowing that we are not alone.

Bumps in the road, but Moving Along

This was a helpful quote from a little devotion I read this morning:
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have wondered since I started writing this blog how honest I should really be, and how much I should really share of the little day to day events that I struggle with.  I don't want to just start whining incessantly or depress you all, but I also want to be honest with some of my struggles I endure along this journey since we lost Lily.

So, I will share a few events from the last week or so.  I still feel much more at peace overall.  I am not so constantly sad, and I feel hope more often I as am in this period of waiting.  I think I am learning alot about patience and trusting God one day at at time.  There are so many unknowns at times, but I try to focus on each day individually and not get to caught up in all the "what ifs" that are unknown in the days to come.

However, I will admit this is alot easier said than done from moment to moment throughout the day.  I was only pregnant with Lily for 6 months, which was a long time for me, but in the grand scheme of life, is relatively short.  Anyway, I would think that since it was 6 months, and it ended back in April, that most of the paperwork, mail, etc., other dealings would be done and behind us.

But, unfortunately, things still come and require dealing with, even after all of these months.  I got a message last week from Destination Maternity.  I guess I had given them my due date.  I had spent alot of money in there one day for Maternity clothes, so I guess they thought they would give me a call.  Well, it was the most devastating thing ever.  It was something like, "Hi Kristina, we know you have had your baby now, and we hope everything is going well...we want to invite you to bring your baby to baby yoga, even if she is just 3 weeks old, you can bring her, we hope to see you" blah blah blah... Well, this was just last week, and I just lost it, started crying and felt myself spinning into a dark depressed state for the rest of the evening.  To just sit there and listen and be reminded of the loss all over again, was just too much.  By the way, I did call them and tell them as kindly as I could, to please stop calling my house, and that we lost our baby.

Then, just a couple days ago, I got another bill from the hospital, and then this strange bill from 8 months ago when I had seen a specialist way back in Jan.  I was thinking "Why the heck would they be sending this now, and obviously it didn't do much good, so why would I want to pay them now"  Lily's gone, and the appointment was 8 months ago... Seriously!!  So, I called them up as well and with the depressing news, they decided to wave the bill, seeing that it was just now arriving 8 months later!! 

The last bump in the road in the past week came on Wed. evening.  I told my husband I would run to the store to get a few things fairly late at night, about 10:00PM.  We needed a few things and some cash for Thurs.  So, I was just cruising through the store actually enjoying the quiet, since it was late.  Much better than my trip to Central Market on Tues after getting off early.  Every corner I turned was a newborn, a pregnant women, or a mom with cute little girls in tow.  This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but seriously Tuesday, they were out in full abundance, and I was thinking I was just about to lose my mind trying to get a few things and get outa there. 

Anyway, now back to the late night at Tom Thumb.  I will try to make this as short as possible.  There was a family in front of me at the register taking forever at the checkout, and I noticed a baby off in the basket off to the side with a young 20 something father.  Anyway, the baby was just sitting in the front part of the basket, and the dad was trying to just strap him in with the strap on the basket.  I started thinking all these thoughts about...how it looked unsafe, and how I thought the baby was small enough that it should really be in a carrier.  Then I thought, "Don't be so crazy Kristina, you are just being more paranoid, because you wish you had a baby, etc."  Well, then the dad was turned around and not paying attention, and the baby did start to fall, started to fall head first right over the side into the back of the basket.  The checker guy and myself rushed over there, and yes I actually had to catch the baby, pick it up with my own hands and hand it back to the father. Now, I am not saying this baby would have died if I would not have caught it, but it most certainly could have been injured.  And, the whole thing was just so frustrating.  I first looked at them and thought they were being so irresponsible, and then I had thought I was being judgmental, then only to have to go and catch their baby as they were all just not paying attention.  Of course, I smiled and handed the baby back and didn't say a word.  But, I was dying inside.  I was so angry at God and I was so angry and jealous of this family.  Not all the most Godly thoughts, but it just hurt so much.  This family had all these kids and this baby, and it just seemed so unfair.  I felt like it was all just being rubbed in my face.  I drove home and I just started bawling and crying.  Then my poor husband had to deal with me.

I know that you can't look around at life and other people and compare your experiences.  It will only lead to disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc.  I don't wish bad for those people or that baby, I pray that it can grow and be loved and have a wonderful life.  But, at the same time, it can all be so frustrating. And, I really felt going to the store at 10:00PM, would be a pretty low risk outing for having to deal with all of these emotions all of a sudden. It is these moments that just catch me off guard, that can be so frustrating.

I guess right now my prayer is for patience and to daily continue to trust in God.  I feel healing and a continued sense of peace overall from the intense grief.  But, I struggle with feeling a little lost.  I have so many friends who are in the midst of raising their children, and I had joined the club I thought, and then without warning, I was back out again.  It's no one's fault, and there are so many people that would love for us to have a child, but for now, we have to just keep living the life we have. 

I am often a person who is about having huge goals, and always needing another one for the future.  Well, this can be good and bad.  It has been good for accomplishing some great dreams and having some wonderful experiences.  But, when you go from training full force for two Ironman triathlons, then to being pregnant and training in my mind full force for being a mommy....there is danger in them both being over for now.  I feel lost at times, without a clear purpose.  But, I think God is also teaching me alot about trusting him and his purposes and goals for me, instead of me trying to be in control and making my own big goals for myself.

The days are funny, some days I feel great, back to a more regular routine, content with my job, content with the calmness in our life in alot of ways.  I know in my heart if we have another child, that this peace and calm will go away in a second, so maybe I should enjoy it and soak it up for now.  Other days, the quiet in the house, seems lonely, and it leaves me feeling restless.

One morning recently, I woke up and I was just very sad again.  I sat at the kitchen table and I stared at the bill from the hospital on the table, and I note I had crossed off that said, "call and cancel daycares" (had been putting this off for awhile), then to the wall full of baby announcements from friends, and I just felt so sad, I just cried, and sat there for awhile, not really being able to get up and do anything for a bit.

But, in the midst of all of the sadness and confusion, I do have hope for the future.  I do see that God can use me day to day in small and big ways in the lives of other people if I allow him.  I do have perspective from my job at the hospital, that sometimes really bad things happen to really good people, it is just a reality of our life here on earth.  But, with God's help and the help of those around me, we can keep on in this journey, making it over the big and small bumps in the road, knowing that one day we will be with God, and all of the pain here on earth will be taken away.

God's Peace,

Endurance must be Part of the Journey

"Endurance must be a part of the journey. Life will not be easy. Questions will not be simple. We will want to stop and just sit along the pathway sometimes. But when we let go and let God guide, when we can let God provide our breath and our life, we gain the endurance God wants for each of us in our lives. In the process, our vulnerability comes to the surface, and ironically, we become strong. Not of ourselves, but as children of God. In that process, we regain our souls.

So run with endurance the race that is set before you. Run, relax, let go. And there, you’ll discover your soul. "  - Michael R. Sullivan

I Love this Quote!  And, it seems to sum up the last several months of my life!  It kinda makes me laugh in a way.  I used to send this quote out when I was training for marathons and triathlons, and then I even posted it on my facebook profile.  When I think back, it is almost like I thought it would be good to "inspire others."  In some ways I don't think I really grasped its full meaning in my own life back then.  Maybe at the time, I was afraid to.

Well, the last several months have been full of realizations for me, that Life is NOT always Easy, and Questions are often far from SIMPLE.  But, if we trust God in our lives, we gain endurance to make it through the especially tough journeys, and thus truly allow our vulnerability to come to the surface.  In return, God makes as strong as children of God, therefore allowing us to regain our souls. 

Grieving over the loss of our baby Lily, has required much endurance.  At the beginning, it seemed almost impossible the journey that was ahead.  But, as the days and months pass, I see the endurance God has produced in me, the growth, and ultimately see the hope of regaining my soul.

I cried almost daily for four months straight.  Mostly in the morning by myself.  It got so old after awhile, so tiring.  But, the sadness needed to come out of me.  The days are much brighter now.  But this is not the kind of thing that will ever just "go away" completely.  I have parts of me that still hurt, that are still a bit dark.  I told my friend Andrea, that I notice I am a bit more "cynical" these days, and at times making some shockingly dark comments that even surprise myself in front of family and friends that I can just be honest with.  I know sometimes this is just my pain coming out or me allowing myself to be true to my pain, but sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.

For, example, I said to a friend from high school just last week, whom I love dearly, "I think it wouldn't all be so bad, IF I wouldn't have had to deliver her, hold her, and then go to the Funeral Home."  Holy cow, it just shocked me to just be spouting off the fact that we had made a heart wrenching visit to the funeral home.  And, I don't want to depress you all with the details of the visit.  But, I also want to spread awareness that Stillbirth is a complicated process.  If your baby is over a certain weight, they have to release it to a funeral home.  Then you have to go and sign many papers, that were plastered with "Baby Lily Martin"  "Baby Girl Martin"  ...etc..  Then you have to decide if you should have another service outside of the one we had at the hospital, a burial, cremation, etc.  all when you are really in a state of Pure SHOCK! And to top it all off, they send you an official "Death Certificate" in the mail.

Anyway, it was a very sad and heartbreaking day that we had to endure, but God got us through, and has continued to help us through many other tough steps in the process. But, it saddens me that now I may just "offhandedly" remark to a friend, that "I had to go to a funeral home.." 

I have been really feeling so much better since I wrote that post on September 1st.  I truly feel that I looked forward to a turning point with the end of Summer, and the coming of a "New Season."  I am trying to keep life in perspective, maintain a positive attitude, and take advantage of the days that I do have, regardless of my current circumstances that I wish could be different.

The picture I am posting is of statues that my dear friend Jennica gave us for a wedding present.  She lived in Indonesia and gave us these.  I wish I could remember more specifics about the tradition, but we were told that it is a symbol of us being "united" in "marriage"and that we should not separate the couple.  My husband has taken it seriously and makes sure they stay together even when we are dusting.  We have been married for 7 years, so they have been with us for awhile.  My husband is not always a man of many words, but he always amazes me at times.  He did not say anything about it, but once we got Lily's ashes and brought them home in a little urn, he placed them right in front of the statues.  I had not noticed them at first.  Then, one day I was searching through my camera, and found this picture he had taken without saying a word.  It was so sweet, I realized he had placed her there with us, and that we were all together, and would surely all be re-united more fully in heaven one day.  I looked up on the shelf, and there we were all together, just as in the picture.

So, we press on in our journey seeing more brightness and feeling less consumed by the dark woods!  God, has definitely given me endurance for this journey and shaped my character in beautiful ways, as I more fully allow my vulnerability to come to the surface, and have allowed him to give me Hope and Restoration of my Soul!

May God Bless you All,

Looking forward to a New Season

I had this thought a few weeks ago, that if I could just make it past August and  into September, that I would look forward to the end of Summer and the start of a "New Season"  literally to escape the dreadful heat here in Dallas, and personally to have a fresh start on a new phase of life moving on past this intense phase of grieving.  I realized in the middle of today, "I made it!"  September has arrived folks, and I felt a little glimmer of hope and relief, that we really were going to make it out of this tough phase of life and hopefully find some brighter journeys ahead.

I talked with my friend Autumn from Michigan (who now lives in Nashville) two nights ago, and I just had this funny thought, that it was very fitting, that "Autumn" gave me a full dose of inspiration to finish out the last few tough days of summer, and I look forward to new things to come as we move right into the Season of "Autumn" :)  It was so amazing how I just spilled my guts to her after not talking for so long, it is great how certain friends will always be that way, no matter how long the gaps are.  She gives her life and time to mission work visiting orphans all over the world.  And, lets just say that when I talk to her and hear her passion and see how she is so excited about what she does, I clearly see and feel more than amazed by what God can do in a person's life if they are willing to trust him and take on true adventure.

I was surprised as I was leaving work today, to find that it had started pouring down rain here in Dallas!  Despite the fact that I had no umbrella and was wearing "white" slacks and looked and felt like a dripping wet dog as I arrived at my car in the parking lot, It was actually so refreshing to see the rain coming down.  I felt as though we really were starting September in a fresh new way!  As I got in the car I started thinking about a song that I have been playing over and over in my car with some other songs, that have helped as I have struggled to makes sense of things the past few months. Here are the lyrics (by Mercy Me)

"Jesus Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


So, looking forward to a new season, and some cooler weather!  The days are still rough at times, I had a few tears today, and if you asked my husband, a bit of a "freaking out" session, regarding wishing I could control very specifically all of the upcoming events of my future and know them all in advance right now!!  But, I made it out for a short jog to clear the mind, and I am working on some things that I am really excited about on the side right now.

Growing Pains Bringing Joy

My life is so different in some ways these days, and in other ways it is just the same as it was before being pregnant. It is strange waking up some days feeling more normal, less sad, lighter in my soul. Then I might have a moment of 10 minutes driving to work crying tears streaming down my face. But, then I might go a whole day at work, touched by patients, enjoying silly chatter with co-workers, not thinking much about what has happened and just going through day to day life not so consumed with thinking about it.

I went through all the stages of grief at some point, the problem is sometimes you re-visit all of them again. It is more like you are are just a ping pong bouncing back and forth between the various stages. I reached a point recently when I felt like I was feeling more into the "acceptance" phase. Then I woke up one day and I was incredibly angry all over again. It is so crazy to have so many emotions hitting you suddenly at different times unexpectedly.

For a long time, I just got so lost in all of this, and I couldn't see any end in sight. But, in the past couple of weeks, even in the midst of some tough days, I have had some very interesting moments of shear realization of other possible purposes for my life day to day right now, while I wait and wonder if we will possibly ever be parents again in the future.

I gave a speech at a church forum yesterday. It was short, just 5 minutes, but I felt good about it. I stood up and talked about my small group and even a little about our loss. In the morning I was thinking, "What the heck was I thinking signing up to go talk in front of a crowd, much less to talk about my current struggle??" I finished, and I felt good about it, that God had given me the strength to stand up and share a more personal part of my story. My mom made a good point at lunch yesterday. Once you have gone through something so devastating and survived....you can approach life and obstacles with less fearfulness, because you are already in the process of overcoming one of your worst fears ever, losing a child.

This morning was a rough morning again. I am off work, should be a relaxing peaceful day. But, when I am alone, the sadness comes in waves. It is probably good, to just get all the crying out at times, but surprises me how it still comes with such force sometimes. I was thinking, "Crap!" "I was doing so well yesterday, now what do I do?."

Then, on my run, I had this thought, that God longs for me to run to him and let him comfort me. I think since I have such a hard time asking others for help and opening up about my struggles at times, it sometimes transfers into my spiritual life as well. I run around trying to take care of it on my own, instead of allowing myself to be still, and feel his comfort, and ask others to pray for me when I can't get the words or strength to pray for myself.

And those of you that know me as so hard core and think running always comes easy for me, just know that it took me about an hour to talk myself into getting out the door today, then it was a slow 4 miles, that didn't really feel that great. So, just know even this "Ironwoman" has bad days when it comes to exercise and motivation! But, I am glad I got my booty out there, I do feel better now!

Anyway, even though I maybe should have asked 4 months ago. Please continue to pray for me, your words of encouragement help me even now after all these months. Thanks so much for all the outpouring of support we have received. It means more than I could ever express. But, please continue to pray for me and my husband, that God would comfort us, and help me to trust him even in these times of uncertainty.

The Loss of our Sweet Baby Lily

The Last four Months have been a blurr. I keep hearing that journaling will be so "therapeutic." At times I love to write. But, I have been scared to do much of it lately. But, at the same time, my heart yearns to find more healing in my soul and to bring more awareness of late pregnancy loss and its devastating journey to find healing and peace.

April 27, 2010 - My mom's birthday..... Was the day my life was turned upside down, my faith shaken, and my soul saddened.
April 29, 2010 - the Sadness was deepened with the delivery and loss of our sweet baby girl, Lily Rene' Martin.

I was 6 months pregnant, enjoying a very healthy non-eventful pregnancy. When a regular check-up unfortunately found my sweet baby to no longer have a heartbeat. I was in shock to say the least, and I remained in that shock for a long time. Two days later, I was admitted to the hospital, labor induced, and unfortunately faced with delivering my sweet baby girl, stillborn, whom I had so many dreams and hopes for as a mother.

She was fully formed just as a tiny precious baby fully intact fingers, toes, face. But, sadly she would never take a breath here on earth outside from my womb, where she had been so alive, healthy, and active for several months. They think her umbilical cord got kinked and cut off her nutrition. It still doesn't make sense at times, but this is what we are left to deal with.

I won't go into all the details of the delivery for now. But it was the hardest thing I will probably ever have to endure, and of course the hardest thing by far that I have ever been faced with at this point in my life. We held her, we cried, I kissed her tiny little feet. And, my soul began to ache deeper than I ever knew possible that day, and still aches so deeply today.

I am known as a "strong" woman. I have completed an Ironman, I am tough, I don't cry much in public, I like to be happy go lucky, I like to think I handle most things somewhat gracefully. But, this has changed all of that for me.

At first, I thought I could just fight through this, check all the steps of the grieving process off, and leave it behind me. Well, I quickly found that I was not strong enough for this on my own. It was way too BIG, and it has been so scary, coming to this realization.

I am a little "OCD" and "Perfectionistic/Overachieving" at times. So, I read 5 books on grieving the death of your baby. While many parts of all of them were helpful and insightful, I realized that this reading/processing would unfortunately not take away the pain or sadness, it would not make me "better faster." I was going to have to ride these waves of this storm out, and there was no clear way to get back to shore by trying to "swim faster."

I have spent the last several months on the roller coaster of "hell" at times. At other times, I have felt the sweet comforting presence of God, friends, and family surrounding so tightly and so comfortably. I have days of many questions of God, days where I just don't think I can take much more. But, I have made it this far, and I have enough hope to know that God will somehow get me through this wilderness of sadness, despair, and utter confusion.

Some days I have truly felt as though I was going "crazy," losing my mind completely. This wasn't supposed to be. Other days, I feel the presence of God, and the striking clarity of life and what is truly important.

We hit our due date for Lily on August 13, 2010. So, after a period of feeling like I was doing pretty well this summer, we were hit with this sad reminder of our loss, and what might have been. But, we made it through the day, and have continued to experience joys and pain of everyday life since then. We don't have other children, so at times we feel lost, without a clear purpose. We had spent so many months getting excited about becoming new parents and raising Lily here on earth with us, our family, and our friends. The days are confusing at times, but routines re-surface, jobs continue, and we see that we can find some sense of rhythm in this day to day life even with the uncertainty of what our future might bring.

Parts of me feel more peace coming each day, despite the really tough days. I have hope at times of what the future might bring for us, and I feel a quiet peace. It doesn't stay full time in my soul, but it feels so soothing, after all these months of pain. I hope I can hang on to this hope and and faith, or at least wake up each day and ask God to help me find it once again.

And, I want to be truly honest about how I have gone about achieving this peace. Not in my old Kristina way, of "being tough, digging my heels in, working harder, doing it on my own. " No, I have been on my knees, helpless and only raised from my weakness by letting my friends help me, letting my family love me, growing more deeply in my marriage with Ted, and pleading desparately with God. I have also attended many hours of professional counseling as well as a support group. I want to admit, that though I am known for always wearing a "smile," and being pretty "strong"....I am not as strong as people might think, and I am truly grateful for all the people that have walked this journey with me.

My favorite verses growing up have been coming back to me, and I have been wrestling with one passage in particular. It used to make me think of running, suffering in marathons, completing Ironmans, building character in every day life. But, now facing something so Big, it is a little more difficult to grasp it so whole heartedly. This experience is way Bigger than either of my Ironman, way Bigger than most things I could have imagined. But, if I let the words seep into my soul, I can hold onto their truth and promise.

Phil 3:10-14
"I want to know Christ and the Power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the Resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."